Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference in … Continue reading Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life
Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days … Continue reading Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately
What a great day to be alive. Today, Monday February 25th, and today only, here on planet earth, you can get your copy of Not Your Average Sonnet for just $5.97 on Amazon. That's right, for the price of a venti caramel macchiato, you can have endless entertainment on your hands, without the crash! Boy it sure is a … Continue reading HOLY NUT MUNCHERS, IT’S A FLASH SALE!
Sugary suction cups sit on the edge of a finished wood counter a sign "mobile order" a pretty young woman button nose and bleached hair long leather boots bit of a worried stride tilts her head eyes widen a bit "Sarah" she goes for the grab no budge balance breaking again she pulls harder and … Continue reading Suction Cup Killer
Every week, something fairly insignificant happens and people on the internet get super upset about it. This past week, people have chosen to get riled up about a Gillette commercial which, as many put it, “tackles toxic masculinity.” Most people have taken their standard positions on this commercial , because they gave up on thinking years … Continue reading Gillette: Oh well, I guess we just kind of screwed up
Oh bathroom, oh restroom of dark deceit white walls hands free the great shitting man’s dream clean sink pristine seat the lemon pledge reeks I pop my squat all is well it would seem. I’d like to think I’ve been a nice guy but you must think otherwise, for you gave me a one-time supply … Continue reading One-Ply
Have you ever spun a dreidel on shrooms? I haven't but sometimes I get the urge ripping through me like a bad idea because part of me has always wanted to hallucinate and be a Jew at the same time.
Hi my name is Richie Bigobootoo and I had a heart attack when I was five my favorite snack is pistachios and when the TV is on I pretend to talk on the phone to spite my mother Tuesday’s are a bit stupid and cats make me angry but as long as I can collect … Continue reading Richie Bigobootoo
I have six-thousand four-hundred and twenty-two steps today which is more than I would have guessed because I really didn’t do anything you know those days when you wake up don’t have to go to work or school or jiu jitsu or Romanian ballet class and you convince yourself today is your day so you … Continue reading Daze
Let’s run away head to the beach build a grand transgender sandcastle and watch the waves slowly roll come my love sink your toes and finger my name into the sand etch your soul in the butter of my bosom and fill this cup with mayonnaise.