As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. 243 more wordsHibernating Demon Bursts Out of Texas Pipe, Killing Five — The Mad Satirist
After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself. Stopping for his usual morning coffee … Continue reading Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon
A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escaped … Continue reading Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol
Gooby bloopity shdoop. Fantastic. Fun. Fun size. You know, I never understood why tiny candies are called “fun size.” When is less candy ever more fun? Maybe the candy companies know that and they’re trying to compensate. It wouldn’t exactly sell very well if it was called “Less Snickers.” King size is kind of weird, … Continue reading Fun Size Candy, King Size Candy, and… Queen Size Candy?
Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference in … Continue reading Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life
Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days … Continue reading Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately
What a great day to be alive. Today, Monday February 25th, and today only, here on planet earth, you can get your copy of Not Your Average Sonnet for just $5.97 on Amazon. That's right, for the price of a venti caramel macchiato, you can have endless entertainment on your hands, without the crash! Boy it sure is a … Continue reading HOLY NUT MUNCHERS, IT’S A FLASH SALE!
Sugary suction cups sit on the edge...
Every week, something fairly insignificant happens and people on the internet get super upset about it. This past week, people have chosen to get riled up about a Gillette commercial which, as many put it, “tackles toxic masculinity.” Most people have taken their standard positions on this commercial , because they gave up on thinking years … Continue reading Gillette: Oh well, I guess we just kind of screwed up
Oh bathroom, oh restroom of dark deceit....