I'm thinking about starting a breast reduction clinic and calling it "Flattening the Curve," if anyone is interested. They say chaos breeds opportunity, so I figured now is a better time than ever to take advantage of women with huge tits. If you'd like to get in touch with me, just dial 1-800-HUGE-TIT and one … Continue reading A Joke, How Coronavirus is Your Fault and Not Mine This Time, and a Rant on Our Presidential Candidates Being Too Old
Tater tots. Tot tot tot de tot. One time I made an entire podcast episode about potatoes... I think I talked for an hour about potatoes, rank-ordering them from least favorite to favorite. Tater tots weren't high on the list. I would always eat tater tots if somebody was like "hey, have some tater tots," … Continue reading Tater Tots, the Cost of Expression, Rationality and Emotion, and Selling Yourself for Money.
I've got a box of interracial peanuts I bought them at the corner store where they sell left-behind laundry and individual grains of sand my cousin works there he was born with no legs and a craisin for a heart he tells me the owner is a candy man and sticks toffee in his nostrils … Continue reading Poem: The Corner Store
Hi. My name is Jimmy Scrimnibbler, and I like to bump lines of COCAINE every Monday morning. It really gets me on the right track, you know. A lot of people despise Mondays, but that’s because they have nothing to look forward to. Me? I have cocaine to look forward to. So, yes, Mondays could … Continue reading Jimmy Scrimnibbler and How the Way We Exchange Information Changes Our Behavior
I got really drunk yesterday...
Space potatoes! What if... now bare with me here... what if there are potatoes floating around space? Wouldn't that be something? I think that would really be something. Or even more, what if there is a Soft Serve Starch Station in the corner of the galaxy? The possibilities are endless. Endless I tell you! I'm … Continue reading My Terrible Saturday and Learning About Pushing the Limits
I woke up at three in the morning the other night with a pen still in my hand and my face on my notebook, which read: I've got a penis in my pants it's mine it's my penis in my pants It makes sense that I fell asleep in the middle of writing that … Continue reading Making Connections Online and Writing About My Penis and a Potato World
If there's a feminist rock band or feminist rapper out there looking for a name, I have your answer: Feminem. You're welcome. I watched the first of the democratic primary debates last night. I also watched Major League Soccer. Which is how you know you're under the weather. Any time you watch a democratic primary … Continue reading Democratic Debates and Words Perceived as Actions Online
I'm sitting in the lobby of the Mercedes-Benz dealership right now thinking about how bent over I'm about to get. They told me that, on top of my regular service, I need to get a transmission service, which is $650. Hahahahaha I'll just sell the car, thanks. Kill me. Kill me good, man. I drive … Continue reading A Story About My Old Car
Somebody is blowing bubbles