I've made plans today a list of tasks designed to move me forward but nowhere I will go an anxious mind wraps vines around my thoughts I drive but a tire blows out try to take the spare when the jack gives way nowhere to go I sit and wait for help looking for ways … Continue reading Going Nowhere
Hot Women and Comedy
I got a juicer. Now I’m drinking celery juice. I’m so healthy. Everyone look at me. Look how healthy I am. This is the exciting update everyone was hoping for. You thought I was going to talk about comedy, but no. I’m dedicating a thousand words to my newly purchased masticating juicer. This is art, … Continue reading Hot Women and Comedy
I Hate You and Your Dog but I Love Baseball
Well smack my ass and call me a track star, it’s another beautiful day to play with your nipples. Hey, speaking of nipples, baseball season is almost here and my tits are HARD. Opening day always brings me the purest sense of joy. It’s like crack but for nostalgia. Son of a buttchin accountant, now … Continue reading I Hate You and Your Dog but I Love Baseball
Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Well by the chin of Reese Witherspoon what a great day to be here! What if Reese Witherspoon went down on you and sliced open your taint with her chin and then you also had a vagina? I’m sorry. That’s a terrible joke. Actually, it’s kind of funny. Speaking of funny, I was an inch … Continue reading Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Lord of the flies what a time to be alive. I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling pretty broken down right now. I just had one of the worst bombs of my life. I guess it’s kind of ironic now that I think of it. I was just talking about how I don’t care much about … Continue reading Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Well smack me in the face and call me Chris Rock, ain’t it good to be here. That was so wild. If you’ve been living in a potato for the last few days, you might not be aware that Will Smith open-fist clocked Chris Rock in the face in front of millions of viewers at … Continue reading Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Big old monkey hog in your fire logs. Wouldn’t that be something, eh? Nobody wants to find a monkey hog in their fire logs. Unless that’s what you’re searching for of course. Okay, glad this how we’re starting off today. This is what happens when you give me a keyboard and no direction. At least … Continue reading Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Deer in the Headlights
Clogged arteries and frog charcuterie. Put that in your song and rap it. Ummmmm, what's going on? What am I doing? What is life? Where does the wind blow? I don't know. Nobody knows much of anything. Hey, today's my sister's birthday. Wish her well! Or don't. It's your choice, really. Either way it's still … Continue reading Deer in the Headlights
Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million
Shaba daba ding dong, sing a song about a big shlong. Well, here we are again. I broke my streak of three days in a row writing a blog post. I’ve been sick for the last few days so I saw a couple of my streaks fall. I wondered briefly if I should cut myself … Continue reading Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million
Good Habits and Bad Open Mics
Well by the taint of Saint James, ain’t life a trip? I want to take a nap right now, but I forgot I made tea. So now I have to drink the tea. What a couple of horrifying options. My life is so hard and difficult. Speaking of hard and difficult, how about that open … Continue reading Good Habits and Bad Open Mics