Man Commits Suicide on Toilet after Phone Loses Battery — The Mad Satirist

A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark. “I heard him scream from the other side…Man Commits … Continue reading Man Commits Suicide on Toilet after Phone Loses Battery — The Mad Satirist

Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments — The Mad Satirist

Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do. “This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only…Entire Generation … Continue reading Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments — The Mad Satirist

Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself. Stopping for his usual morning coffee … Continue reading Elon Musk Tries to Purchase Amazon on Amazon

Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol

A scientific study at Capitol State University took an unexpected turn yesterday when thousands of experimental subjects escaped the confines of a campus laboratory. What was supposed to be a ground-breaking study on conscious behavior in unborn fetuses became an immediate threat to national security when the fetuses suddenly developed into adult bodies and escaped … Continue reading Experimental Subjects Escape Lab, Storm Capitol

Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference in … Continue reading Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life

Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately

Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days … Continue reading Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately