Creamed cornsicles. Oof, that would be absolutely disgusting. It’s crazy how if you change a word or a phrase just a tiny bit, it can really go off the rails. I mean creamed corn… delicious. Creamed cornsicles… vomit inducing, at minimum. It sounds so disgusting I honestly want to die just thinking about it. It’s … Continue reading Performing Comedy in a Pandemic
I wonder if you could make a pizza out of a tree… No, that’s dumb. That’s a dumb thought. I mean I’m sure you could make a “pizza” out of a tree, but would it actually be a pizza? What defines pizza? Does a pizza have to have cheese? Because if a pizza has to … Continue reading Existential Questions About Pizza and Dying for a Day
Well smoke my cheddar and call me cheese! That would be a fun experiment... Not to smoke my cheddar and call me cheese, but to say that to one hundred different people and take note of how each one of them interprets it. Maybe I'll do that some day. I could just walk around the … Continue reading I’m Watching People Become Robots, and It’s Scary
Boy oh boy oh boy. What is life? How did I get here? Whose car is that? Is that your car? That's a nice car. I don't know what I'm saying. Or typing. Whatever. I don't know anything right now. I'm having one of those days where my brain feels like it's trying to escape … Continue reading Do We Have Too Many Choices?
Do you ever just sit in a chair and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life? How about a bagel? Do you ever just sit on a bagel and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life? Oooh, you know what? A hammock sounds nice. I wish I had a hammock. A … Continue reading Gender Reveal Parties and Erectile Dysfunction
Did I miss anything? Could you imagine if you woke up from a year-long coma right now? Christ, I accidentally cut my finger and then got lemon juice in the cut and then rubbed it with a hot pepper. Now this band-aid is harder to open than a can of pickles in a snow storm. … Continue reading Do We Have Control of Our Poo?
I had a thought today... which isn't dissimilar from any other day. I have thoughts a lot. Probably too much. I'm a bit addicted to thoughts. I'm learning how to not engage with thought all of the time. Sometimes it's okay to be thought-free. It has helped me to meditate and get in tune with … Continue reading The Virus as a Symbol For Our Actions
I'm thinking about starting a breast reduction clinic and calling it "Flattening the Curve," if anyone is interested. They say chaos breeds opportunity, so I figured now is a better time than ever to take advantage of women with huge tits. If you'd like to get in touch with me, just dial 1-800-HUGE-TIT and one … Continue reading A Joke, How Coronavirus is Your Fault and Not Mine This Time, and a Rant on Our Presidential Candidates Being Too Old
Coronavirus is my fault. I was thinking a couple months ago how I was working a lot and I said to myself, "I wish I had more time to write. I need a writing retreat or something." WELL LOOKIE HERE I DONE MANIFESTED MYSELF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC! Dreams really do come true... I'm kidding. I … Continue reading How School Stifles Creativity and Other Shit
So I've come to the conclusion that people don't think about death enough. If people thought about death more often, they wouldn't have run out and bought toilet paper in a frenzied panic. I think about death all of the time. Thinking about death is a healthy endeavor because if we don't accept our own … Continue reading DEATH