Well smack my ass and call me a track star, it’s another beautiful day to play with your nipples. Hey, speaking of nipples, baseball season is almost here and my tits are HARD. Opening day always brings me the purest sense of joy. It’s like crack but for nostalgia. Son of a buttchin accountant, now … Continue reading I Hate You and Your Dog but I Love Baseball
Category: Blog Posts
Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Well by the chin of Reese Witherspoon what a great day to be here! What if Reese Witherspoon went down on you and sliced open your taint with her chin and then you also had a vagina? I’m sorry. That’s a terrible joke. Actually, it’s kind of funny. Speaking of funny, I was an inch … Continue reading Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Lord of the flies what a time to be alive. I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling pretty broken down right now. I just had one of the worst bombs of my life. I guess it’s kind of ironic now that I think of it. I was just talking about how I don’t care much about … Continue reading Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Well smack me in the face and call me Chris Rock, ain’t it good to be here. That was so wild. If you’ve been living in a potato for the last few days, you might not be aware that Will Smith open-fist clocked Chris Rock in the face in front of millions of viewers at … Continue reading Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Big old monkey hog in your fire logs. Wouldn’t that be something, eh? Nobody wants to find a monkey hog in their fire logs. Unless that’s what you’re searching for of course. Okay, glad this how we’re starting off today. This is what happens when you give me a keyboard and no direction. At least … Continue reading Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million
Shaba daba ding dong, sing a song about a big shlong. Well, here we are again. I broke my streak of three days in a row writing a blog post. I’ve been sick for the last few days so I saw a couple of my streaks fall. I wondered briefly if I should cut myself … Continue reading Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million
Good Habits and Bad Open Mics
Well by the taint of Saint James, ain’t life a trip? I want to take a nap right now, but I forgot I made tea. So now I have to drink the tea. What a couple of horrifying options. My life is so hard and difficult. Speaking of hard and difficult, how about that open … Continue reading Good Habits and Bad Open Mics
Talking to Yourself and Freedom
Doobie doobie doooo. I have a problem of muttering things aloud in public to people. I’ll just say something like “doobie doobie doo, smoke a doobie doooo,” and then somebody will look at me and say “what?” and I just have to say “sorry I was just muttering nonsense.” I also talk to myself out … Continue reading Talking to Yourself and Freedom
Brains, Guts, and Vladimir Putin
I just spent 45 minutes cutting a watermelon. I ate a quesadilla earlier in the day and had a nervous breakdown so now I’m only eating melon forever. Okay, not forever. But I’m eating mostly melon for now. I’ve been reading about some stuff and things, learning more about how the gut affects the brain … Continue reading Brains, Guts, and Vladimir Putin
Comedy and Setting Boundaries
Well put me in a crock pot and stew me up for dinner! By golly, what a tasty day to be alive. It’s another gorgeous day in Austin and I am ready to EAT. I don’t even know what that means. I’m hungry. That’s my point. Hungry for success snarf snarf snarf. No. I’m just … Continue reading Comedy and Setting Boundaries