Plum in the bum with a little bit of rum. That’s how you start the weekend! I wonder what would happen if I ordered that at a bar. “Yeah I’ll take the plum in the bum with a dash of rum, please.” “Um, I’m not sure what that is…” “…” “…” “I want you to … Continue reading NBA Playoffs and Eating Your House
Category: Blog Posts
Learning How to be Wrong and Giant Dongs
Holy slithering snakes in my slimy salami slicer, it’s Monday! We’ve got a nice little thunderstorm rolling through here in Austin, so that’s cool and stuff. The weather here is interesting. It won’t rain for a month and then one day it will just rain so ridiculously hard that you have to pee at least … Continue reading Learning How to be Wrong and Giant Dongs
I’m a Crane
Well smack my ass and call me Catherine! What a great day to be a crane. I’m a crane now. I’m a crane named Catherine, and you better show me some fucking respect. How about that for some nonsensical sass? You better like the sass if you want the ass. That’s a lot better motto … Continue reading I’m a Crane
Hot Women and Comedy
I got a juicer. Now I’m drinking celery juice. I’m so healthy. Everyone look at me. Look how healthy I am. This is the exciting update everyone was hoping for. You thought I was going to talk about comedy, but no. I’m dedicating a thousand words to my newly purchased masticating juicer. This is art, … Continue reading Hot Women and Comedy
I Hate You and Your Dog but I Love Baseball
Well smack my ass and call me a track star, it’s another beautiful day to play with your nipples. Hey, speaking of nipples, baseball season is almost here and my tits are HARD. Opening day always brings me the purest sense of joy. It’s like crack but for nostalgia. Son of a buttchin accountant, now … Continue reading I Hate You and Your Dog but I Love Baseball
Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Well by the chin of Reese Witherspoon what a great day to be here! What if Reese Witherspoon went down on you and sliced open your taint with her chin and then you also had a vagina? I’m sorry. That’s a terrible joke. Actually, it’s kind of funny. Speaking of funny, I was an inch … Continue reading Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator
Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Lord of the flies what a time to be alive. I’m not gonna lie, I’m feeling pretty broken down right now. I just had one of the worst bombs of my life. I guess it’s kind of ironic now that I think of it. I was just talking about how I don’t care much about … Continue reading Bombing on Stage and Getting Called Racist
Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Well smack me in the face and call me Chris Rock, ain’t it good to be here. That was so wild. If you’ve been living in a potato for the last few days, you might not be aware that Will Smith open-fist clocked Chris Rock in the face in front of millions of viewers at … Continue reading Will Smith vs. Chris Rock
Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Big old monkey hog in your fire logs. Wouldn’t that be something, eh? Nobody wants to find a monkey hog in their fire logs. Unless that’s what you’re searching for of course. Okay, glad this how we’re starting off today. This is what happens when you give me a keyboard and no direction. At least … Continue reading Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid
Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million
Shaba daba ding dong, sing a song about a big shlong. Well, here we are again. I broke my streak of three days in a row writing a blog post. I’ve been sick for the last few days so I saw a couple of my streaks fall. I wondered briefly if I should cut myself … Continue reading Figuring Out Life Volume 54 Million