I'm thinking about starting a breast reduction clinic and calling it "Flattening the Curve," if anyone is interested. They say chaos breeds opportunity, so I figured now is a better time than ever to take advantage of women with huge tits. If you'd like to get in touch with me, just dial 1-800-HUGE-TIT and one … Continue reading A Joke, How Coronavirus is Your Fault and Not Mine This Time, and a Rant on Our Presidential Candidates Being Too Old
Coronavirus is my fault. I was thinking a couple months ago how I was working a lot and I said to myself, "I wish I had more time to write. I need a writing retreat or something." WELL LOOKIE HERE I DONE MANIFESTED MYSELF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC! Dreams really do come true... I'm kidding. I … Continue reading How School Stifles Creativity and Other Shit
So I've come to the conclusion that people don't think about death enough. If people thought about death more often, they wouldn't have run out and bought toilet paper in a frenzied panic. I think about death all of the time. Thinking about death is a healthy endeavor because if we don't accept our own … Continue reading DEATH
1: Go on a Walk You can still go outside, just don't lick the cement or put your tongue down the neighbors throat. Your hubby wouldn't be too happy about that anyways. 2: Learn a New Language I'm learning Russian. You get to say "cock" a lot, which is cool. "Kak dela" means "how are … Continue reading 10 Things to do During a Pandemic Besides Masturbate
COCAINE! I remember I ended my last post talking about cocaine or I was going to talk about cocaine, but then I had to go so I thought I would start my next post talking about cocaine even though I really have nothing to say about cocaine because I've never done cocaine. I feel like … Continue reading Cocaine? And Comedy!
It's been a while... since you've gone, and fucked things up, just like you always doooooooo. I recently rediscovered that song ("It's Been Awhile" by Staind) along with a plethora of others from my awkward pubescent years. Sometimes I think of things I've done in the past, or the person I used to be, and … Continue reading Early 2000’s Rock Bands and Other Band Stuff
Just gonna go ahead and leave this one here... Mike Tries to Write a Story There once lived a man with a hand. He had other body parts, too, but he had a hand. BOY DID HE HAVE A HAND. I tell you what, I’ve been around the block and the bunch, and this … Continue reading Mike Tries to Write a Story
A boy needed a ride home today so he ordered me on his phone you're supposed to be an adult to ride but it's hard to look at a kid and say no I can't take you where you need to go today so he stumbled in told me he just got a haircut and … Continue reading Ride # 874
Oh man. It's been over a week since I've posted anything. I took another job so I've been crazy busy lately. I decided I'm going to work like a maniac for a year and be super stingy with my money so I can save up and move to LA to focus on writing and comedy. … Continue reading An Update and How Modern Society is at War for Moral Superiority
Tater tots. Tot tot tot de tot. One time I made an entire podcast episode about potatoes... I think I talked for an hour about potatoes, rank-ordering them from least favorite to favorite. Tater tots weren't high on the list. I would always eat tater tots if somebody was like "hey, have some tater tots," … Continue reading Tater Tots, the Cost of Expression, Rationality and Emotion, and Selling Yourself for Money.