Well smoke my cheddar and call me cheese! That would be a fun experiment... Not to smoke my cheddar and call me cheese, but to say that to one hundred different people and take note of how each one of them interprets it. Maybe I'll do that some day. I could just walk around the … Continue reading I’m Watching People Become Robots, and It’s Scary
I love living in the United States. It’s a country that is by no means perfect, but its strength and stability over time is nothing short of a miracle. People immigrate from all over the world to have an opportunity here. Many leave their families, arriving with next to no money and nothing but a … Continue reading Should You Feel Bad About Being American?
Boy oh boy oh boy. What is life? How did I get here? Whose car is that? Is that your car? That's a nice car. I don't know what I'm saying. Or typing. Whatever. I don't know anything right now. I'm having one of those days where my brain feels like it's trying to escape … Continue reading Do We Have Too Many Choices?
Mango On realsimple.com, the first thing listed in the “What You Need” section is a “Y-shaped peeler.” Personally, if I see anything other than “knife,” I’m already settling for a banana. A Y-shaped peeler? More like Y am I doing this to myself? Below the “What You Need” section is a “Follow These Steps” segment, … Continue reading 10 Fruits or Vegetables You Don’t Know How to Cut
Reading over the apologies from celebrities like Kevin Hart, Nick Cannon, and Shane Gillis, Jacksonville, Florida resident Doug Robertson couldn’t help but feel inspired. The proud owner of a brand new Lenovo laptop, Robertson grinned from ear to ear, explaining that “this is the moment.. This is my time to finally make a difference in … Continue reading Guy With Computer Eager to Destroy Celebrity’s Life
Like many Americans, Larissa Fisterson always makes sure to lock the door. Every day, when her husband leaves for work each morning, Mrs. Fisterson begins the locking process by simply turning the key lock, as any reasonable citizen would do. Mrs. Fisterson has taken extra precautions, however, installing a custom series of deadbolts just days … Continue reading Woman Forgets to Lock Door, is Murdered Immediately
Do you ever just sit in a chair and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life? How about a bagel? Do you ever just sit on a bagel and wonder what the hell you’re doing with your life? Oooh, you know what? A hammock sounds nice. I wish I had a hammock. A … Continue reading Gender Reveal Parties and Erectile Dysfunction
Did I miss anything? Could you imagine if you woke up from a year-long coma right now? Christ, I accidentally cut my finger and then got lemon juice in the cut and then rubbed it with a hot pepper. Now this band-aid is harder to open than a can of pickles in a snow storm. … Continue reading Do We Have Control of Our Poo?
I had a thought today... which isn't dissimilar from any other day. I have thoughts a lot. Probably too much. I'm a bit addicted to thoughts. I'm learning how to not engage with thought all of the time. Sometimes it's okay to be thought-free. It has helped me to meditate and get in tune with … Continue reading The Virus as a Symbol For Our Actions
I'm thinking about starting a breast reduction clinic and calling it "Flattening the Curve," if anyone is interested. They say chaos breeds opportunity, so I figured now is a better time than ever to take advantage of women with huge tits. If you'd like to get in touch with me, just dial 1-800-HUGE-TIT and one … Continue reading A Joke, How Coronavirus is Your Fault and Not Mine This Time, and a Rant on Our Presidential Candidates Being Too Old