I wish I was profoundly stupid so dumb I couldn't figure out how to chew gum just shoving sticks of Extra in my butthole trying to blow bubbles with my thumbs smashing the pack against my forehead oh how I wish I was profoundly dumb. Jason BrendelJason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from … Continue reading Wishes
I wish there wasn’t so much cum on my keyboard. That should be a song. Cum On My Keyboard, by Toby Keith. Maybe I’ll write it and send it to him. Maybe I’ll write it and record it myself. Maybe I’ll become a Godfearing country artist who goes but the name “Cum Tree” and all … Continue reading Feeling Reality and Finding My Path
I'm sitting on a rock. The water flows past me, energy runs through me. I feel at home here. We weren't meant to live in four walls. It's a humid day; there was a big storm a couple of nights ago. The water covers the rocks where a woman was sunbathing last week. Something just … Continue reading Stream of Consciousness, Written at a Stream.
The bar is pretty when the televisions are off bottles line the walls each its own possibility dark and tall this one opens only for special occasions its label worn like a favorite cap of a baseball lover sunken dreams have spilled over these counters the marble washes away the liquor but soaks in the … Continue reading The Bar
A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark. “I heard him scream from the other side…Man Commits … Continue reading Man Commits Suicide on Toilet after Phone Dies — The Mad Satirist
Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do. “This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only…Entire Generation … Continue reading Entire Generation Fired for Transphobic Comments — The Mad Satirist
The Toothbrush I think my toothbrush is gay. I found it in my bum. I was lying in a field of cauliflower when a man from the Charleston, North Carolina approached me. He said, “sir, I reckon you’ve got a brush in your bum.” “A who in my what?” I said. “A brush in your … Continue reading Three Short Stories by John Steinbeck
People are crazy. People are lazy. One person is Patrick Swayze. Wow. Great. Tremendous. What am I doing? Why am I here? Oh, yes. I was going to write about sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths and how our society is built to reward them. Let’s start with the good old-fashioned sociopath. If you don’t know what … Continue reading Sociopaths, Psychopaths, and Narcissists! Oh Joy!
Drama has found its way to the café today. There’s a man who is here every morning: a tall and slender black man in his older years, unhealthy teeth but a healthy smile. He holds a book and a pack of L&M cigarettes. He props up his phone and laughs often. I can tell he’s … Continue reading Café Drama
What’s your morning routine? Wake up, look at your phone, hate yourself in the shower, grab a muffin and go to work? If this sounds all too common, you should try starting your day with crack cocaine! Get high or die trying babyyyyyy. I’m kidding. Don’t start your day with crack cocaine. Don’t start your … Continue reading How to Start a Morning Routine