If I was frozen solid would you put me in the oven? Climb me like a mountain? Ice pick in hand three steps to glory Would you weep like a willow? or wack off to a picture of some Instagram model crustify another pillow Tell me what would you do if I nuked the Bahamas? … Continue reading The Greatest Poem of All Time →

Well smack me with a hammer and call me nailed, doesn’t it feel great to get absolutely POUNDED by life? Excuse me for being dramatic. It’s been one of those weeks. Who the hell even likes oat milk? Why are people ordering things with oat milk in them!? I need to express some rage, and … Continue reading Crafting a Careless Comedian →

I'm static in the void vibrations of noise everything I do seems important in the confines of my limited life I carry on through grief and joy simple steps turn heavy leaps made with ease sometimes I feel silly other days I'm captured and forget what it's like to be free let myself go just … Continue reading Poem: Vibrations →

Well blow me up like a balloon and pop me with a toothpick, happy Black Friday to ya you consumerist glutton! I wonder how the progression of holiday season unfolded over time. You know, like when did the celebration of Jesus Christ being born turn into putting up a tree and buying a Lego set … Continue reading JESUS IS COMING →

Well scoop up a bucket of anchovies and stick em in the laundry machine, happy Thanksgiving to you. Did you know… the most abundant fish in the sea is the Lantern Fish? Now you have something to be thankful for. At dinner you can say “I am thankful for the abundance of lantern fish that … Continue reading Special Thanksgiving Post →

Well stick a Starburst in my eye and call me sweet, happy Sunday to you! Son of a nut cracker, we’re off to a rocky start this morning, folks. But we’re here. We got up at 6:30 on a gloomy Sunday after eating an edible last night and made it to the café. The green … Continue reading Navigating Tough Times in your 20’s →

Well tie me to the bed and leave me there for 72 hours straight because you forgot we were supposed to have sex and then left for a yoga retreat, happy Friday to you! That would be an unfortunate set of circumstances. Could you imagine? If someone was so airheaded that right before you were … Continue reading I honestly don’t remember what any of this is about. →

A giant sponge has soaked up the entire city of New Orleans after city officials brought in the oversized cleaning product to help with the city’s … Giant Sponge Soaks up City of New Orleans

Well stick a couple of toothpicks in my eyes and call me writhing in pain and discomfort, how the hell are we doing? Fantastic. We’re doing fantastic. I decided for you. I decided for all of us. I make the decisions in this family. Isn’t it the worst when there’s a really hot girl next … Continue reading Hot Ice Cubes and Bad Things Happening →