Sex and Feelings

Colombia sure likes to party, but the party is starting to get the best of me. I’ve come so far from the shy introvert who used to retreat to the enclaves of his brain any chance he could find, and I’m proud of that. I didn’t know what I’d find on this trip, but I like what I’ve discovered so far.

Last night I felt a bit sad for the people around me. I used to feel sad for myself at the end of the night if nothing happened; if there wasn’t some kind of final scene or send off into the night. Now I feel no sadness tumbling in. I feel no shame in my desire for passion, for romance, for connection and purity of life. 

I’ve come to understand that I’m a bit of a sponge when it comes to feelings and energy, and often times I’m soaking in the water around me. I’m more capable of discerning between feelings unique to my experience and those floating around me, which has been a nice breakthrough in my personal development. Last night we were partying at the hostel and the collective energy suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden it felt like everyone was trying to fill a hole, figuratively and literally. 

Sexual dynamics are always interesting. Last night I was watching it all unfold on the busy pretty beach. The men jockey for attention but most of the women have already decided who they’ll sleep with for the night. Everything moves quickly here, and when the woman is ready she’ll talk to her target for ten or 15 minutes to make sure he’s not weird and then they’re off to do the deed.

Some of it is just good-natured fun, but there’s also a darkened void looking beneath the beach. I know a lot of women are choosing random men because having sex with someone they also enjoy would bring upon a flow of feelings and confusions, and when everyone is always one day away from their next destination it seems a bit silly to continually risk a bit of heartbreak. Other times it’s more sinister than that. We all have our trauma. We all have our ways to cope with it. 

Anyways, I’ve been having loads of fun but I didn’t come here for the parties or the sex. My favorite part has been the honest connections. The laughter and the joy and those occasional moments where you break past the plastic mold of someone’s protective construction and get in touch with what they really are. 

I met someone who made me feel like I could open up the cracks upon my skin and let the sand fill up the spaces that have plagued me. I don’t know if I’ll get to see her again, but the feeling alone gives me hope. I suppose that’s why I’m here; to really feel, to be ripped open by love and fear so I can pick up the pieces and build something more stable. 

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