Good golly Gertrude, you’ve really gucked up your glasses this time, haven’t you? FLOOP MCSHLOOB. It’s taking every ounce of me not to go full turrets right now and I am genuinely sorry to whatever God you believe in because this post could fly off the rails at any moment.
Good Monday my ass, this day’s been full of shit. What an uphill climb this one is, huh Gary Globsnobs? If you’re new to life, some days are great and some days are a grind. Granted every day should be approached with gratitude but you can grind my grits if you think life is like living on a glorious cloud all the time. Tell your optimism to take a hike, I’M SAD.
I’m actually fine. Don’t text me after this, please. I’m being dramatic. I’m getting in touch with my feminine side, let me be. Speaking of touching feminine sides, have you seen the love handles on Cher recently?
I honestly have no idea if Cher has love handles, I haven’t seen a picture of her in probably forever, so Cher… if you’re reading this, I am sorry. You can add yourself to my list of mortal enemies next to Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Have you ever gotten mad and then you look for more reasons to be mad? Yeah, so earlier I was mad and then I thought about Neil DeGrasse Tyson and it made me like… so much madder. I mean, we’re talking remarkably upset. Inconsolably angry. Spewing fumes. I know I’ve already dedicated an entire blog post to how much I despise Neil DeGrasse Tyson, but I don’t think it’s enough. I’m thinking it’s probably best to write a weekly newsletter comprised of nothing but me shitting on Neil DeGrasse Tyson and everything he loves.
I told you this post could fly off the rails. Okay I won’t talk about Neil DeGrasse Tyson anymore. I realize he’s an unusual person to despise, but I digress. So far this is one of those posts that half way through I tell myself there’s no way I’m going to actually post this online but then later I get bored and find a coin on the counter and decide that if it lands on heads I’ll just post it anyway and then it does indeed land on heads and now some girl that used to like me is probably reading this and thinking “wow, thank God I didn’t text him the other night. Who hates Neil DeGrasse Tyson anyway?”
Some posts are well-thought out, some posts are introspective and interesting, this one is… well, it’s something. Catharsis. That’s what it is! Hey there Jarvis, would you like some armpit catharsis with your carved larva? How about that for some jargon? Joe Rogan. Joe Jargon. Rogue Jokin. Nikola Jokic. Nickelback Jockstrap. Jock Rogue. Jacque Robbin. Robby Jackson. Jackinoff McRabbitSock. Stock Robertson. Robert Stalker. John Stockton. Jerry Stackhouse. Stack Rackerson. Rakuten. Roku Television. Telekinetic Clementines.
Okay, we won the game. Telekinetic Clementines is a finishing move, every time. Thank you for playing the Progression Game of Similar Sounding Names, brought to you by Gary Gluestick and the Glooby Cloobs.
Oh no. I have three bags of celery and they’re supposed to be used by today. I’m about to drink 72 ounces of celery juice and send myself straight to the gutter. Maybe it’s for the best, that should clean out all the gunk in my slunk. Guess I won’t be going out tonight since I’ll be spending the whole evening dumping out my demons.
I can’t believe I’m actually going back for a second ginormous glass of celery juice. Good riddance. Oh balls on the wall I have to make soup, too. I’m spending the entire day preparing and ingesting liquids and writing about… what is it that I’m even writing about?
I have to say, regardless of what anyone thinks about this post, I’m enjoying myself thoroughly. This is my favorite thing to do. ‘Tis nice. I’ve been working on relinquishing a lot of the pressure I put on myself to do comedy so that I can enjoy it again, and a major part of that is enjoying the writing process, which is my favorite part.
As someone who is incredibly introverted and sensitive, getting on stage is mad difficult for me. Some people are energized by the stage. I am not one of those people. I’m learning how to love it, but it’s a slow process and I’m okay with that because I have plenty of love in my life, which is definitely something to be grateful for.
Being a creative person can often leave you in a lonely state. It can be hard to find your place between the cracks of a paved society. I often feel misunderstood or just glossed over entirely. People think they can step on you because they have more money or a bigger house or just a house in general. I’m constantly bombarded with condescending questions about what’s next or what I’m gonna do with that? Some people don’t realize the point isn’t always to get something, but to simply do something. I don’t know what any of this leads to most of the time, I just know that I feel better when I do it, that I love doing it, and that it makes me feel like myself.
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