Have you ever blown your nose into chrome hose? Well, I’ll be damned whether you have or haven’t because my name’s still Philbur Phlixson and you can never take away my 1997 Whiffle Ball Championship at Springville City Park. Yeah, phuck you is right. Now if you don’t buy this chrome hose I’ll have to sneak into your house and fart on your youngest son’s pillow case.
Give it up for Philbur Phlixson everyone, making a guest appearance on the blog. It’s not every day you get to bear witness to a living legend. Philbur got a rim job beneath the theatre staircase after 8th grade graduation and hasn’t looked back since. Some people say momentum isn’t real but tell that to Philbur, who’s been on an absolute heater for about 30 consecutive years. He’s no Chandler Choob but the dude’s been on fire for a historically long amount of time.
Speaking of historically long, how about that second Avatar movie? Sweet mother of marbles I went to see the thing about four months ago and I’m still watching it. Imagine a mobster movie mashup with Avatar in 6D that’s 14 hours long. Avatardfather 2 – The Irishman. I’ll be honest if there was a movie called Avatardfather I would 100% watch it based on the name alone, I don’t care if it’s seventeen years long.
Imagine the Avatardfather synopsis: The film takes place in a faraway world where one blue New Yorker grew up a little… well, special. The story follows the boy’s father, known by most city dwellers as “Father of Tard.” That is until his conscience is uploaded to a new home, where he quickly has to adapt to a foreign environment and a new identity as… Avatardfather.
Someone call Quinten Tarantino, we’ve got a winner on our hands! I think the only thing that could make this bankrupt world right again is if Heath Ledger came back from the dead and accepted an Oscar for his lead role in Avatardfather. I will accept nothing less than this reality. If it does not happen, it is undeniable proof there really is no God.
Next time someone asks me if I believe in God I’m simply going to respond, “well, have you seen Heath Ledger accept an Oscar for Avatardfather?” They won’t know what I’m talking about at all but I’ll find it funny and that’s enough for me to get through the day.
I’m pretty sure half the people in this café think I’m insane because I can’t stop laughing at this idea. Now I have to get up and walk past the tightest ass I’ve seen in weeks just to catch a breather. Attractive people who menstruate shouldn’t be allowed in cafes while I’m writing. How inconsiderate of they/them, I’m trying to focus.
I can’t resist referring to women as “people who menstruate” any chance I get because the fact that some people say that unironically will never not be funny. The world is so full of nonsense these days it’s hard to even see straight. But hey, this is why we have humor and satire! So much to make fun of and so little time.
Sometimes people try to make rules around what you’re “allowed” to make fun of what you’re not, but that’s a bunch of Bogus McSlogus. If something’s funny and you’re trying to make someone laugh, just say it. Laughter is a positive thing. If the joke sucks or someone doesn’t find it funny or is offended, so be it. It happens, but too many people bite their tongues when they think of something funny to say and that makes me sad.
Somehow we’ve entered this space where we’re supposed to consider our audience with every word we speak rather than just speaking the truth and dealing with consequences. That’s not to say you shouldn’t read the room and use your common sense, but you shouldn’t refrain from saying something because maybe possibly someone might not like it.
I heard one of those ideologically possessed people say recently that “intent doesn’t matter” when referring to anytime someone says something out loud or online. I have to be honest, that’s one of the most narcissistic things I’ve ever heard. When you say that intent doesn’t matter, you’re basically saying “I don’t care what you meant, all that matters is what I perceive.”
That’s a wild thing to say. Intent matters more than anything when it comes to speaking. We’ve all said something we don’t mean. You could be having a bad day and try to genuinely tell someone “good for you,” but the way you say it might come off a little pissy (unintentionally) and the person perceives it as you being sarcastic and really meaning “blow chode, Katherine.” But if you’re a normal person capable of empathy, you recognize it and say “hey I didn’t mean it to come out like that, I’m genuinely happy for you, I’m just having a bit of a rough day and it came out a bit sassy.” Then the other person laughs it off and moves on with their life.
But if you say intent doesn’t matter, what are you gonna do in that situation, just insist the person is an asshole even though they told you that’s not what they meant? Bonkers behavior. Conversation can be confusing, that’s why we need the chance to explain ourselves.
Every interaction has three stages:
1. What you intend to say.
2. The words that actually come out of your mouth.
3. What the other person perceives.
Things get lost between steps one and three allllll the time. And all three stages are critical to communication. That’s why talking to people online can be so difficult. Step one is often lost in the ether…net cable. (That worked out nicely. If people still used ethernet cables…) Anyways, when someone tweets, for example, it’s just sticky words on a blank screen. You don’t hear the voice or tone behind it, you don’t have context of the kind of day the person is having or the mood they’re in, you’re just seeing words and perceiving them. And a lot of people are doing that at once, and then we all have the ability to react to those words immediately.
We’re not even arguing with the person, we’re just arguing with our own upside down perception. It’s like “this is what I want you to be saying because that would make me upset and I’m bored and probably addicted to antagonization.” I get it, sometimes it’s fun to be upset online. But that doesn’t mean it’s not dumb as dust.
Then you get a bunch of people blasting their own reactions to whatever they thought the person meant and then you get reactions to those reactions and sooner or later all you have are reactions and then you have the modern internet as a whole and now we’re here in this room.
I guess that’s why I write the way I do and why this blog is what it is. I feel like I’m able to actually say something when I have limitless pages instead of 140 characters. I’m sure some of it gets misinterpreted but I think the tone becomes pretty obvious within the context of the entire post or multiple posts and everyone pretty much understands what I’m trying to say.
Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, which is helpful for me as a means of figuring things out but likely confusing for readers, but that’s okay. I didn’t start this blog to really try and do anything other than write. Sometimes people ask me what my blog is about and I suppose it’s simply just a place for me to write.
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