Special Thanksgiving Post

Well scoop up a bucket of anchovies and stick em in the laundry machine, happy Thanksgiving to you. Did you know… the most abundant fish in the sea is the Lantern Fish? Now you have something to be thankful for. At dinner you can say “I am thankful for the abundance of lantern fish that helps regenerate the ecosystem of the high seas.”

You can sound like a good old-fashioned know-it-all. Yikes, that was a lot of hyphens. What’s worse, a know-it-all or a know-nothing? Or as we like to call them here on the blog, low IQ individuals.

I’ll throw out a third option, which is my answer. And that’s a know-nothing who tries to be a know-it-all. If there’s anything I’ve learned in life it’s that when you try to be something you’re not, people don’t be liking you. They be liking other people. Other people gonna get liked. Even the low-IQ individuals; they be getting all sorts of liking that you ain’t getting.

I tried to be a sea otter for the summer of 1962 and that was a mistake.

Anyways, I’ll have to leave that story for another day. Today is a day for football and football. I’m about to go shit myself and then watch this World Cup game. I will spend the rest of the day alternating putting food inside of my body, watching football, and releasing food from my body. I have no other commitments. This is what I’m thankful for.

When it comes down to it, one could argue the meaning of life is to simply put food in your mouth and push it out your butt later. It’s not an exciting explanation. It doesn’t capture the mystique of our collective conscious bewilderment, but it does make sense! When it comes down to it, life is about putting stuff inside your body.

You put food inside your body so you can grow big and strong or probably just big, and then you either put your penis inside somebody or get a penis put inside of you, and then you maybe create more life and now you’re responsible for putting food inside of their body so they can grow big and fat also and then they give or receive said penis and the cycle continues on and on and on.

Anyways, what were we talking about? Giving of thanks? Thank a lank a spank alicious. That sounded wrong. Everything is wrong. You’re wrong. I’m wrong. So wrong. Every once in a while I get hit with this powerful question flying through the back of my head like “did you make the right decision, Jason!? Did you!?”

I’m mostly at peace with the decisions I’ve made in my life and I’m still confident they’ve been the right ones. I think a lot of it is about making the best out of whatever decision you make. It’s mostly up to us to decide whether our decisions were right or wrong by the level of commitment we make to whatever it is we decide to do.

That being said, every once in a while we are posed with a quandary that is seemingly impossible. We could go either way, and it’s hard to know which decision is “right” or “best.” We have days where we think we’ve made the best decision and days where we don’t, and getting through that initial phase can be difficult.

Sometimes we just have to deal with negative emotions no matter what decision we make. We have to choose between being heartbroken or unfulfilled and neither feels great but we’ve gotta go one way or another and keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as we keep moving forward everything will be alright, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Anyways, I’m thankful for the people I do have in my life. I wish I could have certain people more in my life, but like I’ve said I made decisions and I have to live with that. The holidays can bring out a lot of emotions. I have to remind myself to try and feel these things rather than push them away, which has to be a constant reminder when you have a penis. There’s something about having a penis that just makes you go “YOU DON’T NEED TO HAVE FEELINGS!”

Give it up for penis, everyone.  

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