Nothing But Nonsense

Hi my name is Slippytit McDoubledoo and it’s a pleasure to finally be at your acquaintance. Let’s lotion up that taint and make this place quiet and quaint so we can make acquaintance.

Make acquaintance. That’s a funny phrase. Imagine if you walked up to a woman at the bar and said “I’d like to make acquaintance with you.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. I’m actually confused.”

“I think we should just be friends.”

“Well we were never dating, so…”

“You know what, I think we should just be acquaintances.”

That would be a great passive-aggressive way to stick it to someone you don’t want to hang out with. “Hi, this is my acquaintance, Tom.”

“I thought we were friends…” says Tom.

“Haha… no.”

You ever make whoopie with a wildebeest on a Wednesday during Ramadan? Ooeeee I tell ya, Willy. Watch out, wonder is a coming!

This post is 100% nonsense so far. And maybe the whole thing will be that way. I don’t know. I really have no idea. I feel like the last two posts were pretty serious. Yuck! No, serious is okay sometimes. Just not all the time.

You ever meet someone who is serious ALL of the time? Every single time. They’re serious for all of it. It’s like Jesus pop a Xanax, burn a marshmallow, do something. Oh no, I forgot to buy screws… I was supposed to buy screws. My license plates came in the mail and I haven’t put the front one on because I need screws. Where does one buy two screws? Is it like stamps? Can you just ask the check-out lady at CVS if she has any screws?

“Yeah I’ll take a roll of screws please.”

“A what now?”

“You heard me Cecilia, a roll of screws.”

It’s good to be out here rolling and screwing again. There’s been a whole lot of rolling and screwing go on around here recently and I haven’t even gotten an e-vite.

Yeah this post is definitely going to be nothing but nonsense. That’s just how it be sometimes. Some days you’re feeling happy, some days you’re feeling sad, other days you’re feeling entirely nonsensical. Taco Bobs! Yeah!

I swear, Austin has the whitest taco places in the entire country. There’s a three block radius downtown where we have a place called Velvet Taco, OneTaco, and Taco Deli. Taco Deli? That is the single whitest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Under no circumstances should the word deli ever be attached to the word Taco. Taco should be attached to words like Esmeralda’s, not Deli or Velvet. And especially not one. That should be a Juan, ASAP.

Nobody wants just one taco anyway, what kind of establishment is advertising a single taco? Next to zero, that is the worst amount of taco. I’d much rather go to a 35Taco than a OneTaco. If I could have the choice of ordering only one taco or having to order 35 tacos, I would definitely go with 35. Sure, that’s way too many tacos, but I can save them for later or share with the Flintstones.

The most popular Mexican restaurant in Austin is called Matt’s. Not Mateo’s. Matt’s. What are we even doing? I miss not knowing how to pronounce the name of the Mexican Restaurant I’m walking into. Sweet mother of Moses do I miss those super quesadillas at El Favorito.

I um… gotta go.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.


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