Comedy, Insecurities, Jokes and Life

Well tickle my tits and pickle my cucumber, it’s a great day to have all the genitalia imaginable. Slap a cactus on me baby, I’M FEELING SHARP. Spit in my Sierra Mist and call me foggy you naughty little bottle of cough syrup, you.

I legitimately have no idea what I’m typing right now. This is what you get for the late night blogs after two open mics. Can’t brew the coffee here you cuck nugget, we’ve got no filter! No filter is my preferred amount of filter, but it’s hard to reasonably exist within the bounds of society with no filter at all. Sometimes I apply for freelance writing positions online and I send them my blog and they have to read this, which… you know I think it’s actually a good thing.

Cause I’ll be real with ya here Gertrude, I don’t want a job that’s going to make me feel stale. I’m not a cracker. My preferred adjective is honky. You know, I don’t know why we’re stopping at preferred pronouns. Why not adjectives, too? Hot and succulent. Those are my preferred adjectives.    

My preferred verb is running. My preferred sentence is: Jason is running away from his problems. My preferred paragraph is: One time there was a giant pizza. It was a stuff crust pizza. It was filled with all sorts of shit. People tried to put pineapple in it but there was a whole fuss about it and it became this whole thing and some guy named Preston ended up dying and his family filed a lawsuit. The point is, it was a mess. But the pizza was huge. I mean this thing was massive. You coulda built a fortress in there. It was a calzone by the way, so I shouldn’t say pizza. I’m not exactly lying, but I’m not being impeccable with my word, and I read the Four Agreements, so like… yeah.

Now that you know how to address me, we can continue. Why are we even here? Who am I? What is this feeling in my eyes? That would be a funny thing to say when you’re crying: “WHAT IS THIS FEELING IN MY EYES!?” The caps were too much. We didn’t need the caps. I mean, they stay now but… we didn’t need the caps. I’m gonna use that line in a movie script in exactly 3.78 years and it’s gonna be a moderate success once it hits the box offices but then after 15 years it will become a cult classic and it’s gonna be super cool to claim it as your favorite movie because it means you have taste.

Speaking of taste, I’m eating trail mix. It has the following components: walnuts, dried mango, almonds, cranberries, and pumpkin seeds. If you can name the brand, I’ll give you a free handful of said trail mix, but only right before I wash my hands. NOT AFTER. Before.

It makes me feel bad about myself when people don’t think I’m funny. Jesus Christ Jason way to damper the fucking mood. Okay this is actually an interesting topic around comedy, though. I think this is at the absolute crux of a successful comedian. Yeah baby, cuddle my crux. What? Who said that? You said that. Stop it. You’re gross. Disgusting sack of slime, you.

The point is, insecurity and comedy go hand and hand, and learning how to deal with your insecurities is paramount to becoming a successful comedian. A successful person, really. Yeah, what am I talking about with comedy? Learning how to deal with your insecurities is paramount to becoming a successful person. You like that you insecure little bitch?

Sometimes that’s how I speak to myself and I’ve been doing a much better job of tampering that down. There’s no need to be mean to yourself. Self-love is in queeeens oh my god leave his text on read hahahahaha LET’S DANCE!

God, women are so hot but so many of them sound like that and my dick just crawls up inside my body and I just want to go home and play MLB the show so I can hit another home run with Dalton Varsho because somehow he leads the team and I don’t know he keeps hitting so many home runs because I only play him against right-handed pitching but I tell you what I’d sure like to keep it going.

Anyways, love yourself kids. Love your kids. Love kids. Kids. I’ve recently realized if you’re a white guy and you just randomly start talking about kids, everyone will go completely silent. It’s like a magic trick and it is HILARIOUS. See how uncomfortable you are? Do you see how weird this is right now?

I think I wrote a really bad pedophile joke last night. Oh wait, I remember it. Hey, it’s actually not that bad. Most pedophile jokes are really bad. Here it goes:

I wish I was a pedophile, because then at least I would have a van… and that’s a lot better than I’m doing now.

Yeah, I just told a joke on a blog. What are you gonna do about it, comedian who’s reading this right now? Are you gonna steal my shitty joke? Have fun watching it bomb!

I’m actually very curious how that joke would do on stage. It would definitely bomb sometimes, but I could see it doing well at certain shows. Only one way to find out, bucko.

I find a persistent interest in joking about things that nobody wants to talk about or that are really uncomfortable to talk about. And I’m not going to lie, sometimes that goes very poorly on stage. Most comics do a lot of material about themselves and there’s this whole thing where if you do self-deprecating humor that audience tends to like you better, and I often consider doing all of that, but I don’t know… I guess it’s just not me, and that’s the problem.

I think a lot of being a successful comedian is about being yourself. The hard part is learning how to do that on stage. It sounds easy, but saying “just be yourself up there,” is like saying “oh you’re sad? Well, have you tried just not being sad?” It’s not something you can just decide to do. It’s a process. Because why would I be myself? Why would I ever be myself when I’m standing in front of a group of strangers alone on a stage and they’re just listening to me talk? Have you seen me!? I’m fucked up, man!

But hey, we all are. We’re a bunch of broken pieces just trying to move along without falling completely apart. Some of us piece it together one by one and we move along with beauty and grace, some of us slowly fragment and crack until we’re nothing but spilled bones in the middle of the street. And that’s life. That’s just life.

If you really enjoy this blog or are just feeling generous you can donate money to me below down there because I don’t make any money doing this and if I did make money doing this I would probably just do it all of the time and that would be good for both of us.

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