Vegan Vegetables and Beating Someone With a Pineapple

Well dump a shot of rum in my bum and call me Boof Bonser, happy Monday to ya! That’s actually a real name by the way. There was a professional baseball player named Boof Bonser and he was a part of one of the worst trades in San Francisco Giants history when he was included with Joe Nathan and Francisco Liriano in a deal to the Minnesota Twins for AJ Pierzynski. Microsoft word doesn’t recognize half of those names. Boof, Liriano, and Pierzynski. Boof Liriano would be a great name, too. I don’t think it really matters what your last name is when your first name is Boof.

Anyways, how many fingerling potatoes can you swallow before you explode? Probably about 50, I’d assume. I wonder how quickly you would die if you injected potato straight into your veins. Probably an hour or so? I guess it depends on your health at the time. I mean if you’re already in dire straits and you need a liquid IV but they accidentally hook you up to a potato, you’ve probably only got a few minutes. I suppose the quality of the potato is relevant here as well. Is it organic? GMO free? Vegan? Is the potato vegan? Cause you know, some potatoes aren’t vegan.

I wrote a bit once about walking into a Whole Foods and one of the signs at the hot bar reading “Vegan Steamed Vegetables.” It always cracks me up when these unnecessary buzzwords are attached to anything and everything. You can just say steamed vegetables, everyone knows that vegetables are vegan. Actually, what’s frightening is that I’m probably wrong. I bet there’s a shocking amount of people who don’t know that vegetables are vegan. But those people aren’t vegan anyways so it’s still pointless to preempt “steamed vegetables” with the word “vegan.”

How embarrassing would it be if you were a vegan and you didn’t know vegetables were vegan? Now you have to live with being annoying and an idiot. What would you even eat if you were a vegan who didn’t know that vegetables were vegan? You’re just chomping on bedroom furniture when you wake up in the morning because you bought a mattress from a brand called Avocado… Yeah, that’s also a real thing. There’s a former professional baseball player named Boof Bonsor and there’s a mattress company called Avocado. This is the world we live in.

This is fun. I’m glad we’re having fun. The blog posts have definitely been on the darker side lately. But hey, sometimes it gets like that. What are you gonna do, call the vegan police? That would be something… The police get defunded and the progressives appoint the vegan police to overtake the old police force. They just show up to a domestic dispute and smack a dude with some corn. Instead of getting tazed you get tofud. 300 watts of vegetable oil straight to the nipples!

What do you think the best fruit or vegetable is to beat the living shit out of someone with? You could do some damage with a pineapple. If you grabbed the top of that thing and overhand launched it at someone they’d get stabbed on impact by whatever you call the pointy pieces of the outside of a pineapple, coupled with the force of the pineapple itself, which is fairly significant. The top usually separates if you hang onto it though, that’s the problem. I tried to pick a pineapple up once from the leaves and it just ended in me holding pineapple leaves. Is that even what they’re called? Leaves? Whatever, you know what I’m talking about.

What other fruit would be serviceable as a weapon? There’s obviously the general stuff like apples and oranges, where if you have copious amounts of either and a decent arm you can just launch one after another, but I’m thinking about a single fruit beat-down here. You only get one fruit to choose, and you either beat or get beat. What are you going with?

You could give someone the business with a coconut, for sure. An unripe plantain, perhaps. You’re certainly not scaring anyone with a grape. Granted if you did win a fight with a grape you would have to go down in the history books as one of the grapest fighters of all time. I don’t care if you never stepped in a ring, you just beat a man half to death with a grape. You deserve some recognition.

If you’re a large human being you could get some work done with a watermelon. You just wouldn’t have much mobility is the issue. You’d have to be very large and strong. It could act as a shield if you ever encounter a man shooting a beebee gun filled with blueberries, which I know we all have. Gotta watch where you’re walking on Tuesdays in this town. A jack fruit is another good one. That wouldn’t be fun to catch in the side of your face. Oh, monkey nuts I totally went on a fruit binge and forgot about vegetables. Oh well.

Well, I’m glad we thought about this. You really never know when you’ll be caught up in the middle of a fruit fight in July. You’ll wonder “what do I pick!?” but then you’ll remember that you’ve thought about this, and you’re prepared. You’re ready for the moment. You will seize the day. You will beat that shithead Dave into oblivion with a mango.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from Northern California. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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7 thoughts on “Vegan Vegetables and Beating Someone With a Pineapple

  1. I don’t know if they’re fruit or vegetables, maybe other, but some of those root things are scary. I guess if you used strawberries you’d lose the fight but it’d look good.

    1. Haha I love strawberries so if someone tried to fight me with strawberries I’d probably end up chasing them around trying to eat them so that might actually give them a major advantage.

  2. When I was in High School I worked at a small neighborhood grocery store. Whenever it was your turn to grab a dolly and head out the milk coolers for that fill up, you always had to be keenly aware of the idiots you worked with (good idiots mind you) and flying fruit being thrown at you from the back door, as you never knew when the latest fruit battle might break out and it was only when you were getting Milk.

    You see trying to slowly take 5 full milk crates stacked on a dolly down a number of concrete steps without dropping the whole load leaves you completely helpless, totally vulnerable and the idiots you worked with found this to be the funniest of shit and took complete advantage of it.

    The fruit of choice by the way? Grapes. Yes, Grapes can be brought into battle, occasionally Strawberries but they stained our white smocks where the boss guy would notice. Grapes? Not so much. And one particular Grape even cost me 5 stitches in my eyelid when one of the idiots started the latest battle a little early, before a full dolly, and I ducked and smashed the side of my face on the handle of the milk cooler. Eyelids bleed a lot by the way and I’m not even going to into the next part of the story where I had to drive myself to the hospital with half of my face covered in blood. I was a curious, frightening sight on the road that day.

    So anyway, there at least is one example of someone winning a fight with a Grape, my friend Gary if I remember correctly, going down as one of the grapest of fighters of all time without even knowing it.

      1. Unrivaled grapeness indeed!!! Thanks for the reminder, not of of eyelid stitches and bloodied faces caused by grapes but of good days. And remembering that Gary and I shared another kinship besides being idiot stock boys and high school buddies. His last name was Swanson. He had frozen dinners and I had breakfast cereal though we never did have any other friends whose names could make a lunch sandwich or soup special to round out the the day, but oh well. Anyway, I look forward to checking out more of your blog. Cheers man!!!

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