Once upon a time there was a beautiful butterfly named Benghazi. Benghazi was black. Benghazi was a black butterfly. Benghazi was so black that it could camouflage itself against the night sky and showed up late everywhere. But Benghazi was so beautiful. Oh, the most beautiful. A man named Steve Stonk once said Benghazi was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen aside from the linguini dish at Patty’s.
Unlike most butterflies, Benghazi wasn’t raised in the wild, and instead was adopted by Angelina Jolie. She raised Benghazi well, but not as well as she could have. Sandra Bullock made sure to call her every day and remind Angelina that Benghazi was no Michael Oher, and never would be. When Benghazi heard this, he committed his heart and thighs to the game of football and never looked back, truly taking flight on his way to 3 straight high school player-of-the-year honors in the state of Ohio.
Benghazi was the ire of many coaches in the greater Cleveland area, and cost one man his job after repeatedly yelling “CATCH THAT BLACK BENGHAZI BUTTERFLY MOTHERFUCKER!” on the sidelines. The following year he was hired by the New York Jets to turn the franchise around.
He did not.
Benghazi declined multiple high level division-one scholarship offers to study botany at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis, where he was awarded a fellowship grant for sucking on a purple peony until it turned white. Benghazi was just three months away from graduating with high honors before a strong wind gust blew him into the science building and straight into a test beaker filled with Mark Wahlberg’s semen.
The semen was so strong and delicious that Benghazi ballooned to 45 times his original size, killing three students around him and injuring four. After years of lawsuits and constant stress, Benghazi developed a crippling addiction to Roundup, eventually causing the butterfly to be hospitalized for weeks before being sent to the local methadone clinic, which didn’t help at all.
This, however, was where Benghazi met a beautiful woman named Crystal. Her birth name was Jan, but she crushed so much rock that everyone just called her Crystal. The two bonded over sweet tea and a shared love for Chinese Checkers. They watched the day turn to night together, spent hours peering deep into each other’s love-struck eyes, and bonded over a common affinity for Clorox wipes. They were destined to grow old together unit Crystal was hit by a bus.
She survived, but Benghazi couldn’t love a woman whose tits flew off in the middle of 32nd street.
He searched far and wide for another lover, but nothing gave him the same feeling as Crystal, so he killed himself.
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