NBA Playoffs and Eating Your House

Plum in the bum with a little bit of rum. That’s how you start the weekend! I wonder what would happen if I ordered that at a bar. “Yeah I’ll take the plum in the bum with a dash of rum, please.”

“Um, I’m not sure what that is…”

“…”

“…”

“I want you to penetrate my asshole with fruit and then watch me boof with rum.”

Alrighttttttty then. Looks like somebody forgot to take their lavender pills this morning. There’s something relieving about saying or writing something absolutely obscene that I can’t quite put my finger on. Hey speaking of fingers, today’s blog post is sponsored by Frankie Funchman’s Fancy Little Finger Hats. If your fingers have gone bald or gone wrong, cover em up in style with Frankie Funchman’s. We’ve got over 500 different styles to suit your needs. From fancy fedoras to spicy sombreros, you can be sure your fingers will be blasting into summer with pizazz. Don’t be a stupid dumb idiot. Order now!

Huge thanks to Frankie Funchman’s. They’ve been with me a long time. Speaking of long, how about those NBA playoffs? “Hey commish, what if the playoffs were half as long as the regular season? Wouldn’t that be sick?”

“Whoa, that would be so sick.”

“What if we allowed more than half of the teams in the league to make the playoffs? Wouldn’t that be tight?”

“Dude, that would be so tight.”

“I’ve always thought, man… the playoffs are pretty neat, but they’d be a lot neater if a team that was ten games under .500 were in them.”

“Duuuuuude, that might be the neatest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“This is gonna be lit.”

This an actual transcript between Adam Silver and some other guy and there’s no way you can prove me wrong.

Anyways, life is good and cool and stuff. I’ve been in the groove of doing stand-up every night lately so that’s been tits. It’s crazy how much we are just a product of our habits. When I do something every day, I soon don’t have to think about doing it or decide to do it, I just do it. This post sponsored by Nike.

I feel like it’s almost impossible to just tell yourself you’re going to stop doing something that has become a habit. There has to be some kind of incentive to stop or something or someone to hold you accountable. You can’t just be like “today I’m going to stop eating lollipops forever.” It’s like nah Mr. Sucky Suck, you’ve been eating lollipops every day for the last three years. You’re gonna start eating them again in a couple days because you suck.

What if you were addicted to lollipops as an adult? What would be worse, being addicted to lollipops as an adult or being addicted to cocaine as a child? I say lollipops as an adult, because you look like an idiot.

Wasn’t there a TV show like that called My Strange Addiction where people were addicted to eating the walls or whatever? I wonder if that’s covered under their home insurance… “Sorry sir, you’re protected against fire and tornadoes, but we don’t cover your brother slowly eating away at the foundation.” As psychotic as that is, it would be pretty impressive if someone ate a significant portion of their house. You just come home and your roommate ate half of the living room…

Anyone else hungry? “Sir, the only appetite I have is for SUCCESS!” Alright alright, calm down Elizabeth Holmes. I feel like that girl is a classic example of our society’s warped version of success. Money + status = success. AMERICA! Success is the one who can sit with their own thoughts and find peace. That’s my hippy ass take on that one. Anyways, I gotta go get a workout in and then sit in the sauna with a bunch of douche canoes that most definitely cannot sit with their own thoughts. Bye.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from Northern California. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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