Well smack my ass and call me Catherine! What a great day to be a crane. I’m a crane now. I’m a crane named Catherine, and you better show me some fucking respect.
How about that for some nonsensical sass? You better like the sass if you want the ass. That’s a lot better motto than “if you can’t accept me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best.” I would at the very least be intrigued if a girl wrote “you better like the sass if you want the ass” on her dating profile.
Speaking of intrigued, can I PIQUE your interest with a brand new television show created by yours truly? It’s called Love is Lime. It’s the same concept as Love is Blind, except when the doors open and you finally get to meet the love of your life, it’s just some guy in a lime costume. And he goes “ahh, you’re a fuckin idiot. You’re so stupid, oh my God.” And then everyone has a good laugh because you fell in love with a lime on national television.
Oh piss nuggets, this is going directly into my act. It fits perfectly. I wrote a joke last night about Love is Blind that is absolutely glorious that I’m not going to share with you because it’s too good and you don’t deserve to hear it. Anyways, I’m gonna try the lime stuff after it.
I don’t know why, but I can’t stop writing jokes about limes. I’m not sure what to make of it. I don’t know if there is anything to make of it. Limes are cool. I like limes. Ain’t no crime when you’re sucking on a lime! Dammmmmn dude that girls pretty fine, but she ain’t no lime. What lime is it? IT’S GAME LIME!
Thanks for coming. I’ll be here all night. Speaking of night, I got nice and high for 4/20 last night. High as a kite in flight, am I right? I’m so right. Tight. Tight and white baby, that’s my motto. Tight ass and white sass. Alas, I’ve hit the grass! Puff puff pass? More like everyone look at my tight white ass.
I’ve been telling a joke on stage about white people killing themselves lately, so that’s cool. It’s actually been going over really well. When I first started comedy, I was a bit afraid of doing edgy or provocative material, but now that I’ve been doing shitty open mics for a year straight, I’ve completely run out of cares to give… which I’ve realized is one of the pillars of great comedy. Not caring, being yourself, confidence… all of these things.
I’ve really turned a corner with my comedy the last couple weeks. I finally figured out how to lean into my awkwardness without it being forced or unnatural, and it’s doing wonders. I’m also extremely grateful for doing almost nothing but shitty open mics for the last year. It has allowed me to experiment with my act in all sorts of ways that I can tell are starting to pay off. I’m glad I didn’t start making a lot of progress right away because I could see myself getting stuck in an act that isn’t really me and then performing it for a few years before realizing I need to tear it all down and start over again. I’d rather realize it now, when the stakes are low.
Speaking of stakes, today’s post is sponsored by Spunky Sam’s Salty Steaks. Always spunky, always salty, you’ll never be left disappointed with Sam’s meat. For 25% off your first order, simply visit SpunkySams.com and enter the promo code: HolyShitINeverRealizedHowMuchWaterYouWouldHaveToDrinkInOrderToDrownYourselfThisIsAbsolutelyCrazyICan’tBelieveYouDaredMeToDoThis!
Anyways, I’m gonna go play basketball. Bye.
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