Going Nowhere

I've made plans today
a list of tasks
designed to move me forward
but nowhere I will go
an anxious mind wraps vines around my thoughts
I drive
but a tire blows out
try to take the spare
when the jack gives way
nowhere to go
I sit and wait for help
looking for ways 
to blame myself.

A cartoonish man comes to aid
gangly legs and a wild smile
says he drives ten to twelve
hours a day
points to the broken tool
says "I call them suicide jacks.
You're lucky you're alive!"
Suddenly a busted tire is of no concern 
as he pulls out his heavy-metal leverage
begins to mention things unrelated
like Trump coming to town
and his living situation
before he's on his way.

I take a few moments
to remember the stoicism I read
early in the morning
it comes in handy
when I pay far too much 
for a new tire
but I need it done quick
in order to continue moving
and still
I find myself stuck
spread across the bed 
like dirty laundry.

Hours pass
my thoughts have gone dark
I was supposed to hit the stage
but I can't get past the pain
my brain feels like batter
whisked but never made.
I only manage to turn 
from one side to the other
over and over
I scan my past for actions
that might have made me feel this way
calling myself degrading names
churning in my burning rage.

Most days I find the strength 
to hit the mental checklist
45 minutes of yoga
20 minutes of meditation
a walk through the woods
workout and a sauna
but it's a lot
to get my thoughts in order
and today I must find comfort 
in going nowhere. 

Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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