I've made plans today a list of tasks designed to move me forward but nowhere I will go an anxious mind wraps vines around my thoughts I drive but a tire blows out try to take the spare when the jack gives way nowhere to go I sit and wait for help looking for ways to blame myself. A cartoonish man comes to aid gangly legs and a wild smile says he drives ten to twelve hours a day points to the broken tool says "I call them suicide jacks. You're lucky you're alive!" Suddenly a busted tire is of no concern as he pulls out his heavy-metal leverage begins to mention things unrelated like Trump coming to town and his living situation before he's on his way. I take a few moments to remember the stoicism I read early in the morning it comes in handy when I pay far too much for a new tire but I need it done quick in order to continue moving and still I find myself stuck spread across the bed like dirty laundry. Hours pass my thoughts have gone dark I was supposed to hit the stage but I can't get past the pain my brain feels like batter whisked but never made. I only manage to turn from one side to the other over and over I scan my past for actions that might have made me feel this way calling myself degrading names churning in my burning rage. Most days I find the strength to hit the mental checklist 45 minutes of yoga 20 minutes of meditation a walk through the woods workout and a sauna but it's a lot to get my thoughts in order and today I must find comfort in going nowhere.
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