Finding Your True Self and Pissing in an Elevator

Well by the chin of Reese Witherspoon what a great day to be here! What if Reese Witherspoon went down on you and sliced open your taint with her chin and then you also had a vagina? I’m sorry. That’s a terrible joke. Actually, it’s kind of funny. Speaking of funny, I was an inch away from just getting pooped on by a bird. I’ve switched tables now. I am on longer in the line of fire.

Hey guys, I’m back on my comedy high horse! That’s right, one night after wanting to gauge my eyes out with an antique garlic mincer, I’m back to rubbing my nipples in the sauna. This is the life. Up and down like a… thing that goes up and down. An elevator! That’s a thing that does that. Elevators go up and down.

I went on a date a couple weeks ago with this girl that wouldn’t shut up about her ex-boyfriend, and I was like “hey I’ve gotta go pee, I’ll be back.” I don’t know if I had to actually go or not, but… oh wait no I did actually have to go. I had to go really bad. I remember now. Anyways, we were in a parking garage and she was going to go smoke weed in her car while I took the elevator back up to the first floor to take a Wiz Khalifa.

I’m walking towards the elevator and as I look up I see a man standing inside literally taking a piss on the elevator floor. Cock out, full stream. I took the stairs.

SPEAKING OF COCKS OUT, I… no, I’m kidding. No indecent exposure for me, sorry folks. Folks. What a great word. Look at all these folks just folking around. Boy I’d like to folk her I tell you what. This post is very sexually charged. So be it. Sobe it. Do they still sell Sobes? I haven’t seen a Sobe in a while.

Oh yeah, last night! I was still kind of hating myself from the night before but then I went on stage and had a great set in front of a bunch of hot women and everything immediately became okay. Making a beautiful woman laugh is the world’s best medicine. Ivermectin for the soul. Yes, I just called ivermectin the world’s best medicine. Why? Well, to make you mad of course.

Did you know if you shove enough ivermectin up your butthole you can get a free Doritos Locos taco from Taco Bell? I don’t know what I’m saying. I think I need Jesus. Kanye, get me a dose of Jesus would you? Hey, look at that, two rapper references already and we’re not even 500 words in. Today’s going to be a good day.

What the hell was I even talking about? Oh, yeah. Comedy. A good bomb is like a bad hangover. The only way to get rid of it is to get on stage again. Comedy is definitely drug adjacent. It’s not a great drug, because a lot of the time you get nervous before taking it, then it’s just incredibly disappointing while you’re on the drug, and then you feel worse after. Also, nobody’s ever called me racist for smoking weed. I’ve never had my mouth around a pipe and heard someone yell “boo!”

Open mic comedy is like an abusive girlfriend that is unbelievably good at sex; beating you down to the point of wanting to give up and then all of a sudden you’re getting the best blow job of your life. Now you gotta stick around! This post continues to be sexually charged. My friend told me that apparently it helps to use sexual energy as creative inspiration. Maybe that’s the key. Maybe I just have to work up a raging boner before I go on stage. It’s worth a try. Today’s post is sponsored by Extenze for men.

Man, tech bros are the worst. I feel like they’re just nerds that are trying to be bros but they haven’t had the requisite broducation. Here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with being a bro, as long as that’s who you are. I’ve met my share of dope bros in my life, but that’s who they always were. They were born bros. So, it works for them. They are their authentic selves, which happens to be a bro.

When a nerd tries to be a bro, it just transmutes into a douche. I know from experience. I’m not a bro. Never have been. I went to college so naturally I went through a phrase of trying to be a bro. I looked like a douche. It’s not me. I’m a goofy goober. Thus, my best self is my goofiest self. Not my broest self. If you’re a nerd, just be a nerd. No shame in that.

This brings me back to a realization I had about why I bombed the other night. I wasn’t being myself. For whatever reason, I went up there and I took on a persona that wasn’t me. It happens sometimes, especially when it’s an outdoor mic and people are talking. I’m a very reserved and quiet person, often deadpan, witty and wacky. That’s when I’m at my best on stage, when I’m playing to my strengths. It never comes off well when I try to be something else. I think that’s the case for every comic.

I suppose it’s the case for every person in general. We’re all on this journey of finding ourselves, and the more we understand who we really are and act out in the world as out true selves, the more fruitful our lives and relationships become. We’ve all met that person who is completely disconnected from their natural identity. It’s like they’re constantly fighting themselves, and you can feel the tension while you’re around them.

That’s why nobody likes teenagers or wants to hear what they have to say about literally anything. They’re still going through the early stages of finding themselves as adults and it’s awkward to be around them for any length of time.

I guess that’s what it looks like when a comic is on stage fighting themselves. The audience just has to watch this inner struggle being played out on stage and it makes them feel so awkward that they want to look away or run away or yell something out because they just can’t take it anymore. Fair enough, audience. Fair enough.

Shit in my ass, I have to move my stuff out of my storage locker today and there’s a giant dead rat in there. I got the shittiest storage locker ever. There was a wasps nest in there to start, then I opened it up and there’s just a humongous dead rat on the floor and rat shit everywhere. Long story short, I’m getting the out of there. Alright, I gotta go do this now. Bye.       

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