Well smack me in the face and call me Chris Rock, ain’t it good to be here. That was so wild. If you’ve been living in a potato for the last few days, you might not be aware that Will Smith open-fist clocked Chris Rock in the face in front of millions of viewers at the Oscars. Awkward? Yes. Unexpected? Definitely. Hilarious? Oh yeah. Absolutely hilarious.
At first I was shocked when I watched the video, and then I couldn’t stop laughing for a solid twenty minutes. Then I spent the rest of the day writing jokes about it. Then I went on stage and rapid fired all of the jokes I wrote down about it. I guess I should have taken a video, but here are the jokes:
Will Smith just signed a TV deal with CBS. He’ll be starring in the new sitcom, titled “The Fresh Punch of Bel Air.”
Chris Rock still had a positive attitude after getting smacked in the face by Will Smith last night, proving that black does crack… a smile.
Will Smith hit Chris Rock like Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Now we just need Rihanna to sock the shit out of Jada Smith so the circle can be complete and we can finally declare the pandemic over.
Hollywood has been so focused on diversity over the last five years, they forgot about the more glaring issue: black on black crime.
Will Smith paid homage to two of his earlier films last night, Collateral Beauty and Concussion.
Hey, if I ever made fun of someone with aloe vera, I’d punch me in the face, too.
I hope Alec Baldwin’s wife has an autoimmune disease I can make fun of because I want to kill myself.
I’m sure people on the internet have made similar jokes, but these are the ones I came up with. It was perfect for the open mic I did last night. There were only a handful of people in the audience and nobody was really paying much attention, so it wasn’t a good night to try actual material. It was a great night, however, to rip off all the Will Smith jokes I had available and oh sexy mama that’s just what I did.
I’ve been having a lot more fun doing comedy lately. I feel like the first couple years are spent just getting used to being on stage and learning how to let go and have a good time. There’s a fine balance between taking it seriously and not giving a flying duck. I think you have to be seriously committed to being funny, especially in your writing, but when you get on stage it’s best if anything serious is let go.
The beauty of comedy is that it’s not serious. It’s where people go to be precisely not serious. I’m finding that if I work really hard on my joke writing and practicing my jokes, it allows me to be more free and careless on stage. I’ve also just done so many lame open mics with no audience that I’m getting used to it and it doesn’t really bother me if my jokes don’t get a reaction.
Sometimes I actually like bombing now. It makes me laugh when I tell a joke that’s so ridiculous and stupid and everyone is just kind of looking at me funny. I also have more success when I tell jokes that I think are funny rather than ones I think the audience will like. I’m more excited to tell them and they come off more naturally.
Energy is a big part of comedy, too. If you’re happy to be there, the audience will likely follow. If you’re unsure of yourself, the audience will be unsure of you, too. That’s why I whip my cock out when I get on stage, straight away. They need to know I’m certain about myself.
I’m kidding, I’ve never whipped my penis out on stage. I did almost finger my butthole on stage once, though… Yeah, nobody was paying attention and I said something like “Jesus, I might as well be performing this in front of the mirror. At least I can finger my butthole in my own bathroom.” And then people looked at me like “well you could finger your butthole here, too.” And the thought briefly crossed my mind…
Anyways, how bout them Cowboys?
I guess I could talk more about the Will Smith thing, because it is a bit concerning. People already feel pretty comfortable taking their day out on comedians. Hecklers and twitter trolls are one thing, but a lot of people are going to see that and feel like if Will Smith assaults a comedian then it’s probably not a big deal if I assault a comedian.
I think for him personally, it was a build up from his wife being in the news for various reasons. He was probably tired of everyone talking about his wife, so I don’t think this had anything to do with Chris Rock. It seems like he just reached a boiling point and had to take it out on someone.
As a comedian, that’s the scary part. Because I’ve seen that on stage. I’ve seen people who come to a comedy show because they’ve been stewing for a good while and they feel justified in taking it out on a comedian. Usually it’s just a lot of yelling or complaining (Someone once got so offended at a joke I made they complained to the bar staff and had me kicked out), but physical violence is an entirely different thing.
I think it kind of points to where we’re at in society, too. We’re too protective of the human ego. A lot of people are actually defending Will Smith, and a lot of people defend violence and ridiculous behavior when some part of their ego or identity is challenged. It feels like we’re walking into this dystopian realm where we say “everyone must be protected, make sure not to offend, be kind and gracious.” Then, the second that same person posing as an angel feels slighted, they lose their marbles and smack someone in the face.
It’s like the people who wear “punch a Nazi in the face” shirts or have a “Fuck the police” bumper sticker. People feel justified to espouse their own violence and hatred as long as they perceive violence and hatred was done unto them or others. What’s crazy is that most people don’t even realize they’re doing the exact thing they’re claiming to oppose. It’s like they’re stuck in an ego vortex where they can’t fathom themselves doing any wrong so they’re completely blind to their own words and actions.
Alright, I’m gonna go play basketball. To be continued….