Hotboxing Farts and Hating Your Kid

Big old monkey hog in your fire logs. Wouldn’t that be something, eh? Nobody wants to find a monkey hog in their fire logs. Unless that’s what you’re searching for of course. Okay, glad this how we’re starting off today. This is what happens when you give me a keyboard and no direction.

At least give me one direction. Nothing like starting your day off with a raspberry crepe and a mediocre boy band. Speaking of bands, how about the rubber market these days!? Oh, it’s not rubber we’re worried about? It’s gas? My bad. Hey, how about that gas!?

Speaking of gas, I had a brutal case of the toots yesterday. Good thing I didn’t have to do much driving. It’s always awkward when you pick people up in your car and just start ripping ass 30 seconds into the ride. I mean it’s funny for me, awkward for them. I like to think of it as public service. You can’t think about the startling state of the world if you’re being hotboxed by some putrid ass gas.

They say ignorance is bliss, but it turns out that launching air out of your asshole is bliss. Seems like the phrase got lost in translation somewhere along the line. Personally, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of ignoring current events over the last two years. The world is crazy, sure. But it’s kind of always been that way. There’s never not crazy stuff going on. I realized that trying to keep up with it all only makes me sad and anxious and when I’m sad and anxious I feel helpless and when I feel helpless I don’t feel like doing anything at all.

Therefore, the best strategy for me to make a positive impact on the world is to actually know less about what’s happening. We all have an impact to make on this world. I think a lot of the battle is figuring out what that impact is. Personally, I’ve realized that I can bring joy to people through being creative. The best thing for me and for the world around me is for me to be as creative as possible.

For somebody else, it could be building things. Another person might be a natural caretaker. Jimmy from up the street and to the left has a special talent as an entertainer. Cassandra from up your ass and to the right was meant to be a leader. The point is, we all have a role in this life. A lot of us will spend much of our lives doing something we aren’t meant to do, but it’s never too late to find your calling.

I also think it’s important to know that finding what you’re good at and being the best you can be at it is enough. We don’t have to feel guilty about not giving to charity or handing a homeless person money. If you try your best, you treat people with respect and kindness, and do what you’re good at and do it well, you’ve done your part. It’s not anyone’s job to save the world. It’s our job to figure ourselves out. If we all do that, the world around us will heal in unison.

This motivational prose is sponsored by Hippy Jordan Peterson. He’s here, he’s mellowed out, and he’s going to help you get your shit together. So relax, smoke some weed and listen to a three hour lecture on the religious undertones of the film, Pinocchio. Everything will be okay.

Alright, I gotta go to the gym. If I don’t get regular exercise I lose my mind. A lot of people go to the gym to look good or get stronger… I go to the gym so I can maintain sanity. Nice abs are cool, but not losing your mind is even cooler. This sounds like an elementary school poster: “You know what’s cool? A level head! Be kind and be sane.” – Abraham Lincoln Elementary. Some jerkoff fourth grader is just smiling ear to ear in the poster because he doesn’t have a care in the world and now he’s low-grade famous for taking a photo. Yeah, that’s right. I’m jealous of fourth-graders. I resent their amount of psychological freedom.

Who knows at this rate, though. Before we know it fourth graders are gonna be lecturing us about social issues and geopolitics. “My Child is a Policy Expert” is going to be the new “My Child is Student of the month.” Us adults will have to counter with a “Man, fuck your kid” bumper sticker. I suppose that’s too gender exclusive. We will counter with a simple “fuck your kid” bumper sticker.

Could you imagine? Could you imagine if someone had the balls to put a sticker on their car that said nothing but “fuck your kid.” I remember a couple months ago I was playing basketball and one of the guys playing with us got super heated. I was trying to calm him down. I was like “hey man there’s a bunch of kids right there.” And I’m not kidding, he turned and looked straight at the kids and yelled at the top of his lungs “YO FUCK THEM KIDS!” The sheer shock on every mother’s face in the park is etched in my mind, and it makes me laugh every time.

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