Getting Spread Like Jam

A wama bama slam, put me in a jar and spread me like jam! That would be interesting, if a girl said “spread me like jam” in the middle of coitus. Coitus. What a great word. I think the man’s reaction would tell you a lot about them. Or the woman’s. It could be some hot lesbian sex we’re dealing with here. Or it could be gross. Not all lesbian sex is hot, OKAY!? The point is, if you’re a woman, I think it’s worth a try to say “spread me like jam” in the bedroom. You can’t say it if you’re a guy, it just doesn’t work. I guess you could say it if you’re a gay man but I had legs in mind when I was thinking about this and not buttholes. Is this post inclusive enough, yet?

I was thinking of applying for a writing job somewhere but I think my chances of that are gone now that I’ve started this post in such a way. “Yeah, here’s my portfolio. My latest post is about directing women to say “spread me like jam,” in the bedroom and how lesbian sex isn’t always hot and gay men aren’t allowed to say “spread me like jam” because the mental image I had originally was a woman saying it in regards to her legs and not a man saying it in regards to his butthole. Anyways, I think I’d make a really good content writer for your shipping company. Here’s my CV.”

This is more important than getting a job, though. So, I’ll continue. All I’m saying is that if you’re a woman trying to get a gauge on a new partner, trying to figure out who they really are, what better way to do it than by exclaiming the phrase “spread me like jam!” Personally, I would laugh. That would tell you I have a sense of humor and I’m not a psychopath. If the person gets a serious look on their face and takes it as a direct order, clearly looking around the room for a butter knife, you have a killer on your hands. It’s time to get the hell out of dodge. Thank god you said “spread me like jam,” or things could have ended very badly.

If the guy’s reply is “what?” and he’s kind of turned off by you saying “spread me like jam” then he sounds like a douche. He is not fun and he will never be fun. It’s cool that he has money and a nice body, but nobody actually interesting ever wants to be around him and that will follow you all the way through life until your soul slowly seeps out of you due to years of prolonged boredom.

If the guy cums immediately, you know that’s a man who likes jam. Make him toast tomorrow.  

If the man walks into the kitchen and begins making toast himself, you’ve got a fatty on your hands. Know that you will always come second in his life after food, but he will treat you well. Give him a chance, and give him the jam.

If the guy screams “Jam!? JAM!? But I’m a jelly man!” and proceeds to disintegrate into strawberry Smuckers, you’re dealing with a cartoon character, and you may be living in an alternate universe. Check your pockets to see if you have your dreidel and spin it.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from Northern California. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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