Well smack my ass and call me Sally, what a time to be alive! My life is so weird. The older I get, the more I’m learning to accept the weirdness. I used to get really anxious about unpredictable situations, yet my entire life I’ve sought them out. Why would I keep seeking out something that makes me anxious? Well, not all anxiety is created equal; and when you’re always anxious, it can be hard to decipher what you’re really feeling. Everything just feels like anxiety.
Sometimes it’s fear. Sometimes it’s excitement. Sometimes it’s anger. Personally, I know that a lot of my “anxiety” in the past was just repressed anger.
Sometimes it was fear. I used to be afraid to travel alone. Doing so made me anxious, but I also desired to do it. It fascinated me. It was exciting. Traveling across the United States by myself on a train when I was 18 was terrifying and a bit overwhelming, but it was exciting. I remember periods of extreme anxiety. But as I got more comfortable, the adventure only became more rewarding.
Now that I’m getting more familiar with my emotions, (which I never understood, because I’m a STUPID STUPID MALE) I am realizing how important it is for me to explore. It’s like food. I gotta have it. I need it in my veins and mouth and ears and butthole. Okay, I took that too far. Fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.
The point is, I seek out unpredictable situations because I actually like them and it’s where I perform best. My creativity is enhanced and I feel most like myself. It’s when things become predictable and easy where I fall into patterns of isolation and depression, unable to create and flourish. Floor-ish. They should make a TV show like Black-ish, but it’s called Floor-ish, and all of the characters are floor people. They will be wildly successful.
Anyways, I’ve realized that I spend so much time worrying about stability, whether it’s money or a place to live, only to find myself in a stable situation and not be fulfilled. It’s like a repeating cycle of being in an unstable situation and worrying about being stable and then becoming stable and being anxious about being able to stay in the stable situation but not really even wanting to be in the stable situation so then I create an unstable situation and start it all over. Does that make sense? Probably not. Definitely not, to most people. To some people it makes perfect sense.
The point is, I’m learning to enjoy the chaos of life. Thanks for coming to my journal entry. Glad we could figure this out together.
Where even am I? Oh, yes. San Diego. If you wake up and don’t know where you are, you’re either having a grand adventure or you have Alzheimer’s. News flash, I have Alzheimer’s. Early early onset onset Alzheimer’s Alzheimer’s. I have to save everything twice to help me remember what I just said. What did I just say?
Anyways, San Diego. I left Austin a week ago? I don’t know. Something like that. I drove to Las Cruces, New Mexico first. New Mexico is weird. I’ve never seen so many abandoned towns in my life. Literal ghost towns. One after another. You see an old sign that says “café” or “post office” on a building that looks like it got hit by a hurricane. An old rusty truck that hasn’t been moved in twenty years, a few houses that look like they may topple over any second.
If you want to know what the apocalypse would look like, just go to New Mexico. That should be their state slogan. “New Mexico – where everything goes to die.” Not a great way to attract tourists but hey at least they’re being honest! I enjoy making fun of New Mexico. I’m sure they mean well. Anyone know New Mexico’s pronouns?
Anyways, driving from Austin to Las Cruces was… I don’t know. It’s all the same. Same as it ever was. Same as it… ever was. It’s flat. It’s boring. I was in a car. I remember that. El Paso is weird. I didn’t know it was sister cities with Ciudad Juarez, Mexico. Pretty crazy to have two cities right next to each other in different countries. Imagine crossing the border every day. I wonder if people who commute from one country to another have a special sticker on their butt that they can show every time they have to cross. That would be pretty neat.
Apparently El Paso is super safe. I read on my motel brochure that it’s continually voted one of the safest metropolitan areas in the country. Sounds nice. I’d like to walk downtown without worrying about getting stabbed. Not a quality you get when you’re in Austin. I remember one time I was walking downtown from the comedy club and I turn around the first corner and see a bald woman with her tits out talking to herself. I cross the street, but 50 feet in front of me are five militant black Muslim men speaking into a megaphone that white people are the devil. I cross back over. I turn the corner and a schizophrenic man is running straight at me. My life flashes before my eyes. If he thinks I’m his ex, he’s going to kill me. Thankfully he thought it was the guy behind me and kill him instead. Close call.
Okay, the last part didn’t happen. He didn’t kill a guy. At least I didn’t see him kill a guy. He might have. Legitimately. That happens on Sixth Street, and he was the type. I love Austin. It’s cool and it’s weird and it’s funky, but it’s not nice. Some cities you walk around and you’re like “this is nice. It’s clean and it’s just… nice.” Austin is not one of those cities. I walked around Phoenix, Arizona on my way here. Clean city. In the middle of the fucking desert but a clean city nonetheless. San Diego. Nice. Real nice. Aesthetically pleasing. Pretty clean. Nice. Austin? Shithole. Giant shithole.
So, if you’re thinking of moving to Austin just remember that it’s fun and it’s interesting, but it’s not nice. So, yeah. Where was I? Las Cruces. Yeah I was there for a spit and a shit. A dump and a bump. I’m kidding, I’ve never done cocaine. I’m pretty sure I would freak out. Having energy scares me.
People are interesting. We’re all so different. There’s a lot of people who do cocaine that would hear someone talk about psychedelics and say “I can’t do that shit man, I’ll freak out.” And then there are a lot of people who do psychedelics and would hear someone talking about sniffing the tighty whities and say “I can’t do that shit man, I’ll freak out.” People are different. Did you know that? Did you know that people are different? “I never knew that.” – College student.
Okay this post is getting long. How about I show you some pictures of White Sands, New Mexico? This place was actually very cool. It’s in the middle of the dessert and when you take a picture of it, it looks like snow. Alas! It is not snow. IT IS SAND. SAND! Enter Sandman. Exit Snow Guy. What if you just went to White Sands with a leaf blower and blew people with sand? That would be hilarious. Every time you see someone walking you just start running at them with a leaf blower while you laugh hysterically. “I’m gonna getcha!” Ah, a man can dream.
Anyways, this is White Sands, New Mexico. This is not snow. This is sand.
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Looks like my backyard except my yard is snow not sand. Weird. Good insight about unpredictability. I totally get it.