Three Short Stories by John Steinbeck

The Toothbrush

I think my toothbrush is gay. I found it in my bum. I was lying in a field of cauliflower when a man from the Charleston, North Carolina approached me. He said, “sir, I reckon you’ve got a brush in your bum.”

“A who in my what?” I said.

“A brush in your bum. A floss in your cross. A stick in your hole.” He replied.

“Well good golly by the mother of the Massachusetts Mayor, how did that get there!?”

“I don’t know,” said the man.

“Well, it’s a great day for the crops to grow ain’t it?” I replied.

“Sure is.” Then he walked away.

 

 

Neighborly Grace

“You smoking crow tonight?”

“Oh by the grace of Clay Aiken’s face you bet your sweet little tits I am.”

“Well son of a Stanislaus State graduate, the kids will love that.”

“Ah, Jimmy Bones. It warms my heart when you talk about your munchkins.”

“Hey, speaking of warmed hearts. I meant to ask you, did you ever get that ringworm prescription?

“You know what, as a matter of lactose-free deodorant, I did.”

“Well slap me in circles and call me a dirty little testicle, that’s phenomenal news.”

 

 

Countenance

A skinny man with a cashew for an eye and a wheelchair for a face came up to me today. He said “sir, I’m not too fond of your countenance.”

“My countenance?” I replied. “How dare you question my countenance in a setting like this.”

“Mmmmmm. You’ll have to prove yourself in a battle of wits,” he said.

“You have no right to disrespect me in front of my cousins like this. I made charcuterie!”

“Mmmmmm. You’ll have to prove yourself in a battle of wits.”

“Well, with who am I battling?”

“With whom. With whom. And it was I. And you have lost.”

“Blasphemy!”

“You’re stupid, sir.”

“I am no such thing!” I defended.

“Mmmmmm.”

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from Northern California. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

One-Time
Monthly
Yearly

Make a one-time donation

Make a monthly donation

Make a yearly donation

Choose an amount

$5.00
$15.00
$100.00
$5.00
$15.00
$100.00
$5.00
$15.00
$100.00

Or enter a custom amount

$

Your contribution is appreciated.

Your contribution is appreciated.

Your contribution is appreciated.

DonateDonate monthlyDonate yearly

Leave a Reply