Mango Smoothie

Holy Mexican Moses with a monkey for a mouth I need to clean my computer. Disgusting. How do I live with myself? I don’t know if it’s a male thing or I’m just a bit of slob but sometimes things have to get obscenely dirty for me to even notice.

I ordered a mango smoothie and I have no idea why I did that. I was just standing in line looking for the wifi password and then one of the employees looked at me and asked me what I wanted. “Uh, a smoothie?”

“What kind?”

“What do you have?”

“Mango, straw…”

“Mango’s good.”

Now I have a mango smoothie. And now I no longer want this mango smoothie. It was great for the first few sips, don’t get me wrong, I mean this is a mango smoothie we are talking about here, but now I can feel the pre-diabetes already inside of me and I don’t have any interested in continuing my relationship with this mango smoothie. Seriously, this thing has a preposterous amount of sugar. I feel bad wasting it. I can’t give it to anyone else because of MORBID-19. MAYBE I COULD USE THE JUICE SOMEHOW. That sentence was not supposed to be in all caps but it made me laugh, so it stays. What if I just yelled that in public on random occasions? Walking through a busy farmers market on a Sunday, to nobody in particular… MAYBE I COULD USE THE JUICE SOMEHOW. People would wonder if I was insane or a genius, but what’s the difference anyway?

I don’t know what I could use the remaining contents of a melted mango smoothie for… I could use it to make 15 less sugary mango smoothies that don’t sabotage my flavor pallet. I can’t believe this is what I’m writing about. I need to get a life.

I’m trying, okay. That’s why I’m here, to get a life. A new life. A new, fresh, exciting, happening life. I move into my new place for a couple months on Thursday. It’s a walk away from downtown where most of the open mics and such will be happening. I’ve got my material just about ready so I’m going to hit the ground running on Thursday. It’s looking like I’m going to be able to get on stage every night here and things have just started opening up pretty widely here. It’s going to be a shock to the system to go from not being on stage at all to being on stage all the time, and I’m all about it. It’s so exciting that I can order a mango smoothie for $6.50, take three sips of it before telling it that I just want to be friends, and not be upset about it. Okay, I’m a little upset about it. Fine.

I’m excited to start meeting people here. I moved out to Austin not knowing a single person in Austin, which poses a bit of a challenge, especially for an introvert like me. It helps to just make one friend, or to just know one person. Get the ball rollin if you know what I mean. I met a couple of cool dudes playing golf yesterday and took their numbers down. Progress! Golf buddies. I miss my old golf buddies, though. Nobody will be quite like them.

I’m supposed to go on a couple of dates this week. What a completely different environment for dating than what I came from, holy gay man with a gun full of gastrointestinal gut fluids. Ooh, that was a good one. I hope it offends somebody. My son is gay and likes to shoot his gun full of GI fluids all the time, how dare you!

Anyways, I came from a terrible place to meet women my age. Austin, on the other hand, FANTASTIC place to meet women. Not going to be a problem at all, and that’s fun. I definitely am not looking for anything serious, which is also nice. It’s a lot less pressure to be seeking out friends primarily; and if something happens it happens. The pressure of a formal date or dating is always a bit of a buzzkill. Nobody’s completely themselves on a first date, but if you really don’t care about dating the person to begin with, weeeeeeee I can be as much of a lunatic as I feel like. I apologize, ahead of time, for anyone who sets up a date with me on Bumble.

Okay, I’m gonna go write some jokes and stare at this mango smoothie for another minute.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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