Long Beach

She’s got a short skirt and a loooooooooong beach. No? That’s not how the song goes? Darn. Thought I had that one.

What a neat place Long Beach is. Neat I tell you. Neat. I drove down from Ventura on Saturday morning to stay with my friend Jordan for the weekend in the Beach of Longs. Longs. I remember there used to be a drug store called Longs when I was a kid. I remember going there with my mom to get photos developed and wonder what tampons were for. What a time it was.

It was a Saturday morning so I was fortunate enough not to hit LA traffic or get caught behind Tiger Woods. (Too soon?) I exited on Studebaker Road and proceeded to say the word “Studebaker” out loud to myself in the car for the next ten minutes before arriving at Jordan’s. What a deal he’s got down there. Wow, I’ve already said the words “neat” and “deal,” now I just have to say “tuna fish sandwich” and I’m officially an 85 year-old man. I wonder what the average age is when people start referring to every noun as “deal” and change from saying “tuna sandwich” to “tuna-fish sandwich.”

Anyways, Jordan moved on short notice to Long Beach about two weeks before I left for my journey, and through BlackPeopleMeet.com he was able to find a room in a cool beach house just a hop, skip, and a hump away from the sand. The first thing we did on Saturday was walk on over to that sweet sweet beach and well… we just kept on walking. Eventually we got tired of walking and reserved a table at some place that sold $20 hamburgers.

We walked around some more, came back to the house and relaxed for a bit, and then went and played night golf. I’ve played thousands of rounds of golf in my life, but never have I played at night. It took the group in front of us 25 minutes to finish the first hole, a 110 yard par three, and then I understood why night golf isn’t very common. It’s basically a bunch of people who have only played mini golf trying to play real golf, which is fine if you’re one of those people. If you’re a spoiled country club golfer like me, it’s like watching paint dry on a chalk board. Nonetheless, we lit up a doobie and skipped a couple holes, passing the hackaroonies that were in front of us. We had a phenomenal time. It was a beautiful evening, the full moon was out, the people watching was fantastic as always, and the doobies were never disappointing. Here, have a look!

Kevin Bacon

Sunday was probably my favorite day of the trip so far. We got up in the morning and headed down to the park to do yoga on the Bluff. Talk about a haven for tight ass. It was so many things I enjoy all at the same time. Yoga, being outdoors, the ocean, hanging out with a friend, and of course, tight ass. A woman with a very tight ass looked at me with her mat in her hand and asked if it was okay for her to use the space directly in front of me. I was appalled she even had to ask such a question. Some people just don’t understand the influence of their tight ass. Others are on Instagram. Having a tight ass is a career choice on Instagram.

Skrillex Concert

After we stretched our legs and eyes and opened our minds, bodies, souls and sphincters, we went back to the house to make some brunch. It was an incredibly white morning, yoga followed by brunch. And since we weren’t feeling white enough already, we then jumped on our bicycles. The only thing that would have made us more white is if we brought a walking stick We opted for baseball mits instead.

Bong Peach, CA.

We rode on the path by the beach for a good while until Jordan noticed two hot blonde girls lying on the beach and I yelled at him that this looks like a great spot to play catch. So, that’s just what we did. It was glorious. Playing catch on the beach is beautiful because if you launch a garbage throw, it doesn’t go flying down the street, it just sticks in the sand. The one-hop seeds can be a bit tough to judge and you’ll often end up with sand in your eyes, but that’s part of the fun. We lit up a doobie and let it fly. I felt like a kid again. Not because I smoked weed as a child, but because I played baseball.

After the hot blonde girls left, we hopped back on our bicycles and just kept on with the keeping on. It was fascinating, honestly. Long Beach is so diverse, you get to see every type of person: Asian, White, Black, Hispanic, Ginormous, Miniature, Fat, Skinny, you name it, they’ve got it. There actually weren’t very many fat people, which was nice to see. Not that I have anything against fat people, but when most people around you are in good shape and outside getting exercise, it motivates you to do the same. Plus, it’s sexy.

I got some drive by comedy in, because I couldn’t resist. I kept thinking of the most absurd bits of conversation I could muster and loudly spouting them at Jordan as we rode by different groups of people. I saw a six-seater cart full of people coming slowly our way, and as we passed them I asked Jordan, “Do you ever get high off of Parkinson’s PM?” One of the lady’s in the cart screamed, “yes!” which was both hilarious and concerning. I couldn’t stop laughing for at least ten minutes. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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