Fun Size Candy, King Size Candy, and… Queen Size Candy?

Gooby bloopity shdoop. Fantastic. Fun. Fun size. You know, I never understood why tiny candies are called “fun size.” When is less candy ever more fun? Maybe the candy companies know that and they’re trying to compensate. It wouldn’t exactly sell very well if it was called “Less Snickers.”

King size is kind of weird, too. I wonder how many years it will be until they come up with a queen size candy bar. That will probably become a major movement sooner rather than later at our current pace. “Breaking News! The world is crumbling beneath us and everyone is dying, yes… but a growing movement to formally change the name of King Size candy bars to something more gender tolerant has taken center stage today. We now go to non-binary reporter who recently came out to the world as a wedge salad, Leaf Lofferson. Leaf, what does the scene look like from down there?”

“Well, Taylorx, some may describe it as mayhem, some may see it as protest, but I call it history. Thousands of guilty white people have gathered here today to form a truly remarkable scene. You can see right in front of me here a group of about twenty humans launching King Size Milky Way’s at the White House from the back of the crowd. Further up you’ll notice a collection of saintly souls melting chocolate on the pavement and etching beautiful and inspiring messages such as “Fuck the Patriarchy,” and “FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK!” Really cool stuff. What a great day to be an American.”

“Truly inspiring. You know we like to think we do good work up here in the comfort of the studio, but down there… down there are the real heroes. Alright, we now go to Dave with a sports update!”

“We don’t have sports.”

“Oh, that’s right! No more sports. My mistake. We now go to Annaqueesha who’s going to show us how to tickle a toddler with tolerance. Annaqueesha, what do you have for us?”

“Hi, Taylorx! Today I’m going to show everyone how to tickle your toddler with tolerance. The first thing you’ll need to make sure of is that you have freshly manicured nails. If the child is scratched by your nails, nobody else will ever be able to tickle their toddler again, and we wouldn’t want that now would we! So trim those nails people! Second, you’re going to want to make sure the toddler is feeling comfortable and safe. HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THIS STUDIO!? I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU IF I SEE YOU HERE AGAIN! Sorry, we had a wealthy man walk into the building. So, once the toddler is feeling safe and comfortable like this weeping child here, you’ll want to test for any sensitive pressure points. We call this the 40 point inspection. You can download the checklist off our website, free of charge. After you’ve inspected the toddler, you’ll want to begin by blowing on the least sensitive spots you’ve identified on the check list. No touching yet. If we touch the toddler too soon, both of you could develop Parkinson’s. Once the toddler confirms the blowing is okay by signing a written contract (which you can also print out on our website, free of charge) you may begin touching the toddler. Remember, you can only tickle your own toddler. Tickling someone else’s toddler is called rape, and that’s not okay. Ideally, you’ll want to start with a light graze of the pinky finger. We realize some people have bowed pinky fingers and will need to use their ring finger. That’s okay, but be careful not to apply too much pressure. We want to pleasure the child, not shock them/they. As you slowly progress through different fingers and different spots on the toddler’s body, make sure to pay attention to the child’s reactions. Either silent indifference or barely audible laughter are the only acceptable responses. If any other response is elicited from the child, you will want to make sure and kill yourself immediately, because they will be coming for you and it will not be pretty. And always remember, tickling your child is about accepting one another and moving through the world with tolerance, together.”

“Wow, thank you so much Annaqueesha. I don’t know about you two but I can’t wait to tickle my toddler the second I get home. What valuable knowledge.”

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian from Northern California. You can follow him on Instagram @jasonbrendel.

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