Mexican Rectal Exams and Tinder

Mexican rectal exam. Ooh that was a good one. Much better than “shaba laba ding dong” or “Sri Lanka.” We are starting off on the right food today, I tell you what! A Mexican rectal exam is the catalyst for a great day.

I kind of hope someone quotes me on that in twenty years. I’ll somehow find myself vying for some serious position and they’ll ask me, “is true that you said a Mexican rectal exam is the catalyst for a great day?”

“Yes. I did say that.”

“Care to explain?”

“I do not.”

Screw me in the eye socket, my dad has the news on in the other room. Now I have to blast piano music into my ears. Hold on.

Alrighty. I’m now listening to “Nibiru,” by Ulrich Volker. Jesus, that’s the most piano name I’ve ever heard. Ulrich Volker. It sounds like he’s either going to serenade you to sleep or murder your family. I guess it just depends how you pronounce his name. The harsher you pronounce “Ulrich Volker,” the scarier it becomes. I think I’m going to start yelling that at people who annoy me in public. I’ll be honest, I’d be pretty scared if I cut someone off and then they pulled up next to me and started screaming “ULRICH VOLKER!”

Now I’m listening to a song by Minik Jakobsen. Jesus, these people were just born to stroke keys. It’s like their parents waited to name them until after they found out what their occupation was.

It’s hard for me to listen to music that contains lyrics and write at the same time. Too many words floating around. It’s way worse with television because there isn’t even a rhythm to the words. “Today, eighteen thousand tornadoes struck the Arctic Islands, displacing 45 million penguin surfers including the much heralded Ride McTide. He is survived by his beautiful wife AKHGOIASHGIAH and their son, NoobCrusher47. Such a sad story. Back to you, Tony.”

I’ll be honest, I quite despise the news. I mean, the audacity… Who are YOU to tell me what’s going on in the world? Why, out of all the things happening in the world, do you get to choose what is worth talking about?

The news is basically death’s little play toy. Without death, the news does not survive. Every top news story is basically some variation of : this person died, these people died, this person almost died, these people are probably going to die soon, this person tried to kill this person, if this happens then these people will probably die, don’t do this or you might die… it goes on forever.

That would be a fun experiment. Put a ban on anything death related against the news and see what remains. “Kentucky Man Having Hard Time Discerning Between Sweet Potatoes and Yams.”

I guess it would just turn into the Onion at that point. I don’t know, I just think the news is deceptive because it’s sold as informative, but it’s entertainment. When it comes down to it, the news is a television show. It needs viewers to survive, and in order to maintain viewers it must be dramatic or funny, and the news is never funny, so it has to be dramatic.

I should correct myself. The news is never intentionally funny. Sometimes I find myself laughing hysterically at the news because of how preposterous it is. It’s not great for social gatherings, but I’m having a good time. It just gets so absurd sometimes you can’t help but laugh. “WHAT’S IN YOUR FRIDGE THAT COULD KILL YOU!? STAY TUNED TO FIND OUT!”

Oh I wrote a poem about people being addicted to tragedy because of the news. I don’t think I’ve shared it here, so I’ll do that tomorrow. Come to think of it, I think I shared it on Instagram. Ha, what a fool I am. Sharing poetry on Instagram. That’s like the people who go on Tinder just to make friends.

Tinder. What a trip that is. I’m sure the guys on Tinder are even worse but lord of the flies the women on there make me want to scoop my eyes out with a pitchfork. It’s probably the fault of men, to be honest. Because guys, we’re very simple. Our first thought is always, “Is she hot?” and that’s what most heavily influences our decision. Most men don’t place as much importance on hobbies and personality, so tons of women simply fail to even have any of either.

The amount of women on Tinder who think the most interesting thing about them is the fact that they like coffee or enjoy sleeping is brain-breaking. “I don’t know what to put here,” is one of the most common profile descriptions. And guess what? It works, because guys don’t care!

Women on Tinder don’t have to be interesting because 95% of the time it doesn’t matter at all. It’s all about the appearance. The dynamic from the woman is essentially, “You better be interesting and funny and entertaining and I will decide if you’re worthy.” And the dynamic from the guy is essentially, “You hot?”

I should clarify this only really applies for younger women, generally speaking. I’m 26, so I see it a lot in my age group and below, but I don’t notice it hardly as much in actual grown adult women. Then again, actual grown adult women aren’t really on Tinder. But this is what we’re dealing with right now, folks. The pandemic has driven me to the Tinder cesspool.

It’s fun, though. You can’t take Tinder seriously. I usually use it to see what the most absurd thing I can say is that will garner a response. That’s a fun game to play. Every once in a while you get lucky, too. It’s like the lottery. Just 90 million losses and every once in three months you get something legitimate.

There was one girl I made a legitimate connection with who was funny, interesting, smart, and attractive. I KNOW. I couldn’t believe it either. Sadly I was in a long-distance open relationship at the time which I think scared her off. That was tough to navigate. I went the route of telling her as soon as possible because if there’s anything the open relationship taught me, it’s that honesty and communication are essential.

It’s just hard to explain that whole situation to someone you don’t know well. Especially because it was such a foreign idea to me when it was proposed. I think it might have scared me off if someone told me the same thing, honestly. It’s tougher as a man, too, because women are usually more interested in commitment and monogamy than men. If a girl tells a guy she’s in an open relationship, he’s like “Jackpot! I get to be with you AND whoever else I want. YEAAAAAAHHH!” If a guy tells a girl he’s in an open relationship the response is usually something like “I could never do that.” Alright I’m getting way too hungry and this ahi tuna steak is calling my name. I’ll talk more about open relationships in the future because it’s a very fascinating subject, but for now I’m going to stuff myself with FISH.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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