Existential Questions About Pizza and Dying for a Day

I wonder if you could make a pizza out of a tree… No, that’s dumb. That’s a dumb thought. I mean I’m sure you could make a “pizza” out of a tree, but would it actually be a pizza? What defines pizza? Does a pizza have to have cheese? Because if a pizza has to have cheese, you certainly aren’t making a pizza out of a tree. You’d end up with more of a treeza. I guess that’s the real question. If you make a supposed pizza out of ingredients that are never typically used to make a pizza and it looks exactly like a pizza, is it a pizza?  

I mean if you were to make a pizza out of a tree, you would probably show it to someone and say, “look, it’s a pizza!” and they’d be like “hey, it is a pizza! You made a pizza out of a tree!” But they certainly wouldn’t eat it. Unless the person you showed it to was actually a woodpecker, and in that case, I think you’d have deeper issues to look into than wondering whether your tree pizza is actually a pizza or not.

I guess it wouldn’t be a “pizza,” it would be a symbol. Or a representation of a pizza. Whoa, what if everything is a representation of the real thing and we are actually in a simulation that runs side by side to a reality where and all the real stuff is in that place? Is anything real? What is real? How do we know? So many questions…

I guess it doesn’t really matter. The point is that we perceive things to be real and that we feel and we believe ourselves to be conscious. I mean if we actually are conscious or we just believe ourselves to be conscious, it doesn’t really make a difference to us because our perception isn’t changed. Unless we found out that we weren’t truly conscious and consciousness was something else entirely. I wonder how that would change our perspective. I think it would make some of us depressed. Some of us wouldn’t care. Some of us don’t even know what the word conscious means so those people really wouldn’t care. God it must be so freeing to be profoundly stupid.

Not that not knowing the word conscious makes you stupid, because not knowing something isn’t what defines stupidity since most of don’t know most things, but I always wonder… I always wonder what it would feel like to really not have a clue. To not constantly be bothered by my thoughts. To just live a monkey see monkey do lifestyle. It certainly comes with a lot of drawbacks. I mean you’re at a severe disadvantage for making a lot of money because our society is heavily skewed towards rewarding intelligence. And you’re at a disadvantage for finding a partner. Well, if you’re a man. It doesn’t really matter if you’re a woman as long as you’re physically attractive because men are stupid and we just want that tight tight ass.

Maybe I’ll make a documentary called “Dumb for a Day” where I get lobotomized and go out into the world, just to see how it is. It’s a reversible lobotomy, though. It’s only for a day. Then I get un-lobotomized. De-lobotomized. Without lobotomy. “Hi, I’m Jason and today I am without lobotomy. Yesterday I was with lobotomy.”

Yikes, sounds like some of the lobotomy stuck around if I’m talking like that. “Side effects of having a lobotomy include: a lobotomy.” I also thought it would be interesting to die for a day, too. Just take the day off from life. We could all use a break now and then, right? Why not try Die for a Day by Vick’s!? And don’t forget about our newest product, NyQuil – Death! Now you can get a good night’s sleep, forever!”

I think I’m onto something here. I need to apply for marketing positions ASAP. In my cover letter I could advertise my ability to kill half of a company’s consumer base in under a month. “Try Vick’s Vapo Rub with Cyanide!” Okay, I’ll stop. I can only tell so many variations of the same joke.

Oh speaking of jokes, I’m doing LIVE STANDUP COMEDY tomorrow night for the first time in six months. Thank the Lord of all things holy. For five minutes I can finally feel something again. Anything, just let me feel… anything. I’m kidding, I feel things sometimes. But boy if I’m not excited. I think I have a good set planned but I really have no idea. And that’s the fun of it. I’m excited and a little bit nervous. It’s just been so long. It’ll be kind of funny to see how bad everyone is. I mean that’s always the case at open mics, but it could be especially bad this time. It looks like I’m going up somewhere in the middle, so that should be nice.

Time will tell. All I know is that I’m excited. I’ll be very happy even if I bomb because it will at least feel like things are normal for a night. I mean it’ll be outside and everyone will be wearing masks, which is still weird, but at least I’ll be telling jokes, and that makes me a happy happy man.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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