Do We Have Control of Our Poo?

Did I miss anything? Could you imagine if you woke up from a year-long coma right now? Christ, I accidentally cut my finger and then got lemon juice in the cut and then rubbed it with a hot pepper. Now this band-aid is harder to open than a can of pickles in a snow storm. Boy I’m really having a time of it here. Hold on.

Okay we’re good. I found these keto ice cream bars at Costco and I have to say I don’t think I’ll ever complain about anything ever again. I mean we live in a world where you can eat healthy and feel phenomenal and taste the delicious delicious joy of an ice cream bar… I don’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this.

Boy the world sure is a fun place right now isn’t it? Doobie doobie doo! I just said I was never going to complain about anything ever again but now I kind of want to complain about everything. It is all a bit much. At least where I live, in California. I saw blue sky for the first time in weeks today, so that was cool. The pandemic blows flute pretty hard, don’t get me wrong, but it has been manageable because at least you can go outside for a walk or a run or just flail your arms around like a mad man screaming about tomato juice. Whatever floats your butt.

But yeesh, now that the smoke has rolled in and the air is unbreathable, I’ve just had to sit at home with my penis in my hand and hope things change. I’m kidding… I don’t have a penis.

Kidding, again. I have a penis. I’m sorry to all of the people I offended who don’t have penises. Just kidding. I’m not sorry. Penises are awesome. Hmmm. “Penises are awesome.” That’s the gayest thing I’ve said in weeks. Oh well. Guess I’m gay now.

Yeah though in all seriousness this whole being cooped up inside thing is so unnatural. I mean if we think about what it means to exist over time, we haven’t been living in houses for very long at all. Almost all of human history is us not living in houses. And I know I know, we’re peeeoopppplle and we’re special, but are we? That’s definitely something I find myself thinking about a lot. Because we are conscious and it appears as if we have control over a lot of things in our lives including our decision making and our actions, but we’re also still animals and much of what we do is based on reaction, emotion, automatic process, circumstance, all sorts of shenanigans that are out of our control.

I mean, what do we really have control of? Our thoughts? I’m not even sure about that. Thoughts kind of just appear. Oh no. I have to poo. I’m gonna try and push through this. Not the poo, the thought about thoughts. I guess we could use poo as an analogy. Do we have control over when we poo? To an extent. We can control what we eat and when. We can decide to go sit on the toilet. But the initial feeling of “I have to poo,” simply arises in the body. And sometimes we have control and we can wait, while other times we just really have to poo and we are at the mercy of our anus.

The point is, I have to poo. No. That’s not it. The point is… I don’t think we have as much control over things as we think we do. We like to claim control, especially when something good happens. We like to say that we did something good, but when we do something bad we’re quick to rationalize all of the exterior reasons why we did such a bad thing. I was drunk, I was stressed, people were being so crazy around me, the lighting was weird, yada yada yada. You rarely hear someone say something like “yeah I donated a bunch of money to charity because it was just a really nice day out. It wasn’t my fault. I mean, if it weren’t such a nice day I know I wouldn’t have done that. I swear, I never do that kind of stuff.”

Oh sweet destiny. Is it all destined? Is everything pre-determined? Does apple-cinnamon scented Glade air freshener remove the scent of cum forever? These are the questions we need to be asking.

Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.


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