A Joke, How Coronavirus is Your Fault and Not Mine This Time, and a Rant on Our Presidential Candidates Being Too Old

I’m thinking about starting a breast reduction clinic and calling it “Flattening the Curve,” if anyone is interested. They say chaos breeds opportunity, so I figured now is a better time than ever to take advantage of women with huge tits. If you’d like to get in touch with me, just dial 1-800-HUGE-TIT and one of my service representatives, who has smaller tits now, will walk you through our process.

I made this joke on social media today, because that’s what I have to resort to now, since the stage is closed indefinitely. So, if you don’t already, please follow me on Twitter (@JSBrendel) Instagram (@JasonBrendel) or Facebook (@JasonBrendelComedy). If you follow me on all three, I’ll pray to a God of your choosing.

Speaking of Satan, this old man is just standing in his doorway staring at me from across the street. He looks like he has coronavirus. I bet he has coronavirus. I was thinking today… and this is not going to be a popular thought, but what if people are more likely to get sick because we are constantly being bombarded with the thought of “virus virus virus?”

I was feeling sick a few days ago, but I don’t know if I really had anything. Part of me wonders whether I just thought myself into being sick. I’ve been having to work seven days a week during this thing at the family gas station because my dad is sixty-nine years old, so he isn’t working, and I’ve accepted the fact that it’s likely, maybe even probable that I get coronavirus. Sometimes I wake up and I just go “today’s the day isn’t it?”

I guess it got me thinking of the power of the mind, and how we can think ourselves into certain states of being. My girlfriend made a great video on integration that was more or less about this subject. It’s very good, and incorporates actual smart people like Carl Jung instead of just me stumbling through some particle of an idea.

I also read that Stanford is doing a study to confirm or not confirm that the virus arrived in California in November of last year, which is what really got me thinking about this. Because if that were the case, our hospitals would have been overwhelmed with coronavirus patients several months ago. But, they weren’t. So, either the virus didn’t arrive here in November, or it did, and something prevented people from becoming seriously ill from it, and the only difference would be that the people who had it November didn’t know they had it.

Now the most likely scenario seems to be that the virus didn’t arrive here in November, and it’s also important to note that this is just a theory I have. Also, I’m insane so don’t listen to me. Look, a toucan riding a tricycle! See, me crazy. There’s no toucan. There’s no tricycle. I’m seeing things. I can’t be trusted. You should exercise more.

I  wonder what it would be like to fly off a Ferris wheel. Not to your death, but like actually fly. If you were to use it as a sort of a launching pad, if you’re catching my drift – which is exactly what you need to maintain flight. Could you imagine? You’re just at the fair, everyone’s having a great time shoving corn dogs down their throat and slipping on puke, and all of a sudden some guy flies off the top of the Ferris wheel in a Superman cape and lands on the churro machine. That would be legendary.

My God a churro sounds good right now. Mexicans have the best food. I wonder what the results would be if they did a worldwide poll on what people’s favorite international cuisine is. Every single person in the world would have to vote, and you can’t choose your own country. This needs to happen. Screw coronavirus, we need a survey!

I wonder how many people are becoming completely unhinged right now. That should be a survey. You could run a side by side statistical graph of the amount of people who get coronavirus and the amount of people becoming unhinged on the Y-axis and then time on the X-axis. I’d love to see that. Ooh. That would be a great name for a band: X-axis. Fuck. I need to start a band now.

Do they sell public pandemic insurance? I read that Wimbledon purchased pandemic insurance for $2 million dollars every year for the last seventeen years and now they’re getting paid out one hundred and something million. What a win. Wimbledon for president. Ooh ooh we should get the people from Wimbledon to team up with Bill Gates and high jack the election.

This election is going to be such a shit show again. Why… why do the candidates have to be so old? Regardless of politics, race, beliefs, religion, everything… the most frustrating thing about either of these two sinking sacks of skin is the fact that they’re almost dead. Donald Trump is 73 and Joe Biden is 77! Is that not utterly insane to you?

Picture yourself as a person in your mid 70’s trying to get hired for a high level job, say in the technology industry. You would turn in that application and the person looking it over would be like, “dude… you’re 75. Why would we hire you?” Here’s a better example. We usually don’t let people in law enforcement work past the age of about 60. Yet here we are, with our two options for PRESIDENT as a 73 year old and a 77 year old. What?

There needs to be an age limit on this, I’m telling you. If you have to be 35 years old to run for President, you should also have to be under the age of 65. Seriously, it makes no more sense to have an age floor than it does to have an age ceiling. Ridiculous.