10 Things to do During a Pandemic Besides Masturbate

1: Go on a Walk

  • You can still go outside, just don’t lick the cement or put your tongue down the neighbors throat. Your hubby wouldn’t be too happy about that anyways.

2: Learn a New Language

  •  I’m learning Russian. You get to say “cock” a lot, which is cool. “Kak dela” means “how are you?” and is pronounced like “cock gelato” without the toe. (Which I’ve tried to order, but nobody seems to carry that flavor.)

3: Phone a Friend

  • Not to ask them a question about winning a million dollars, but just to say hi. You can’t get Coronavirus through sound waves, but you can be lonely. Don’t be lonely.

4: Take an Epsom Salt Bath

  • Relax. Please, just relax. That means you too, tough guy. I promise, taking a bath won’t turn you gay. Just do it. Just do it, and just relax.

5: Cook Something New

  • We still have the internet, so there shouldn’t be any trouble finding a new recipe. If you’ve never cooked before, just make cookies or something. Seriously, anything. Just do… anything. No! You put that lotion away! We aren’t masturbating. We’re cooking.

6: Do Your Taxes


7: Write a Story or a Poem.

  • It doesn’t have to be good. In fact, it probably won’t be good. But who cares? Your stupid story might make you laugh or your tacky poem might make your sweet cheeks actually love you. (Okay that was a mean joke.) They love you, already, but they’ll be happy you’ve spent some time thinking about them and not yourself.

8: Take Half of the Toilet Paper You Bought and Strangle Yourself With it Donate it to a Nursing Home.

  • You’re not going to need all of it. Seriously, you’re not. I have inflammatory bowel disease and even I don’t shit that much.

9: Invest

  • Put some money into the stock market and let it sit there for years. Don’t fall for any get rich quick schemes. Don’t think you’re going to become a day trader. Be responsible.

10: Take an edible and meditate

  • Try and meditate for as long as you can 30 minutes after taking that sweet sweet edible. Seriously, try and do it for hours. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Focus on the sounds in the room. Leave a notebook by your side and write down the important thoughts. (They will reveal themselves to you.) Face the things that have been holding you back. Feel your emotions. Keep breathing.


Jason Brendel
Jason Brendel

Jason Brendel is an author, poet, and comedian living in Austin, Texas. Navigate the buttons below to follow him on social media, make a donation, or purchase his collection of laugh-out-loud poetry on Amazon.

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