Just gonna go ahead and leave this one here…
Mike Tries to Write a Story
There once lived a man with a hand. He had other body parts, too, but he had a hand. BOY DID HE HAVE A HAND. I tell you what, I’ve been around the block and the bunch, and this man had himself some absolute meat on that palm. If you shook that thing and you happened to be on the wrong side of man, you were in for some slam.
He made sure you knew, the second you met eyes. He always made sure to introduce himself first, and he’d stick out that burly sack of palm meat coupled with forceful phalanges and shove it right into your weak little grip, you useless cuck.
Good riddance, is it Tuesday already? I’m sorry, I swallowed a little too much bacon grease this morning and my ass gets a little tight by six. Whatever the case may be, I’ve seen a few things. Sure sure, you may have gone to the Grand Canyon with your Aunt Sue, but have you watched a woman climax on a swing BY HERSELF? No, it’s unlikely you have, so I’ll continue. Good lord is it good to be here.
First, I’d like to thank my family. Uncle Rick, your wise words and gentle touch have taken me further than a Sebring in a wind storm. Aunt Jenny, your graduation card meant a lot to me. Dad. Oh, dad. You’ve been there from the start. I mean, you left a lot, and sometimes I really wasn’t sure you would come back, but when you were there, you were there. My sister Cassandra. And my mother, Lynn. Where would I be without you, mom? You’ve done more for me than any panther ever could, and I’m sorry I left the fan on. Most importantly, though, I ‘d like to thank God.
SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR! Wait, never mind. I’m fine. Sorry. Sometimes my warts flare up in the evening. The full moon quells my worries, however. Hey baby, I’ve got the goob! How bout you come on over here and give me that skleeb eyyyoooooooo. Hold on, my girlfriend is calling…
I’ve got to go.