Mr. Fleebdoober, Internet Pessimists, Grocery Stores, and the Warriors

Hi, my name is Mr. Fleebdoober. I have three cats, two of which are dogs. The television in my living room is 32 inches. I thought about getting the 40, but I went with the 32. I’m American, but I like to watch cricket. When I’m not thinking about peppered salami, I like to build wooden chairs and then smash them to pieces. It reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, and how nothing in life lasts forever, and how some things should be beaten with a hammer as soon as possible. I eat Oreos, but not often. I once thought about writing a play, but went to the store instead. The word “dice” makes me angry. I’d open the window, but it’s awfully hot outside today.

Sorry, Mr. Fleebdoober stole my computer again. That guy… he’s something else. You know what else is something else? Anything. Anything is something else. If you compare anything to anything else, it’s something else. Whoa. That means I’m something else. And you… you’re something else. Man, that sure is something else. “Else” is one of those words that sounds increasingly stupid the more you say and look at it. Else. Else. Else. Ha. Well, chalk that up as another word ruined forever. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.

I’m kidding, everything’s not fine. EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE. THING’S ARE THE WORST! 2018 WAS THE WORST YEAR EVER! UGGGHHHH! I love when people say that. “Oh my God, 2018 was the worst year ever! Like… three celebrities died and I just… I just don’t know about this world anymore.” Every year people go on the internet and complain the last year was the worst year ever. Which is silly. I mean honestly… any year where you have grocery stores is not a bad year, okay?

Do you realize what a grocery store is? It’s a place where they have all of the food in the same place at an affordable price. It’s all just right there! And there isn’t just one. They’re everywhere! You don’t have to kill anything, you don’t have to fight anyone, you don’t have to battle the elements in the hope that maybe you’ll stumble upon a potato. You can just grab whatever you want and stick it in a cart that isn’t even yours.

I think they should start charging for carts until we show some gratitude. “Yeah, it’s gonna be ten bucks to use a cart today ma’am. Otherwise you’re on your own. And no re-entry, so you better get it all in one trip.” One of my favorite things to do was (after they passed a bag tax in my county) grab a bag of popcorn and put a lawn chair down outside of Safeway and then watch people drop their groceries. People would get so stubborn. “I don’t want to pay ten cents for a bag, this is bullshit! I’ll just carry these ten Gatorades out myse-whoa whoa whoa oh shit no no no oh God they’re everywhere! Look what you did! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!”

Hmmmmmmm. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. What was I going to say? Eh, I don’t know. Ooh. No. That’s not it. Whatever. It’s fine. I’m oddly excited for the Warriors game tonight. I mean as a lifelong fan, I should be excited, so I guess that’s not odd. I don’t know. It’s weird. The excitement does kind of wear off when you get used to a team winning all of the time and everyone always expecting them to win. It’s more fun to be the underdog. Which used to always be the case. The Warriors used to be one of the worst franchises in all of sports. They were the Browns before the Browns. That has to be the worst name in all of sports by the way. The Browns. Might as well call them the Shits.

Speaking of the shits, I… just kidding. Oh God it’s 11:20 already. How did this happen? Some days just slip right past you, don’t they? I have to go work out now so my brain doesn’t drive me insane okay cool bye thanks for everything hope all is well yup fantastic good to see you nice hope the kids are well say hi to you’re wife good luck with the house see you around sounds good alright have a good one.

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