I've made plans today a list of tasks designed to move me forward but nowhere I will go an anxious mind wraps vines around my thoughts I drive but a tire blows out try to take the spare when the jack gives way nowhere to go I sit and wait for help looking for ways … Continue reading Poem: Going Nowhere
Comedy, Insecurities, Jokes and Life
Well tickle my tits and pickle my cucumber, it’s a great day to have all the genitalia imaginable. Slap a cactus on me baby, I’M FEELING SHARP. Spit in my Sierra Mist and call me foggy you naughty little bottle of cough syrup, you. I legitimately have no idea what I’m typing right now. This … Continue reading Comedy, Insecurities, Jokes and Life
Kim Kardashian and Following Your Destiny
Well slide a finger in me and call me a Chinese trap, it’s great to have you here. And hey, it’s great to be here. Finger in me or not, I’m just grateful to be alive and well. I got in a gnarly car accident and then got a brutal case of COVID two days … Continue reading Kim Kardashian and Following Your Destiny
Vegan Vegetables and Beating Someone With a Pineapple
Well dump a shot of rum in my bum and call me Boof Bonser, happy Monday to ya! That’s actually a real name by the way. There was a professional baseball player named Boof Bonser and he was a part of one of the worst trades in San Francisco Giants history when he was included … Continue reading Vegan Vegetables and Beating Someone With a Pineapple
Accidents, Illness, and More! Hooray!
Well suck my thumb and call me a pacifist, what a peaceful time to piss into the darkness. I hope they put that on my tombstone. I did almost die last weekend, so that’s pretty neat. I got T-boned by a Ford F-150 going 40 mph, sending my Subaru spinning into what I thought might … Continue reading Accidents, Illness, and More! Hooray!
Manifestation Nation
Holy smoked salmon with a side of salty Szechuan sauce, what a tasty day to be alive. The outside of my pinkies hurt today, so that’s the exciting news in my life. I’m slowly recovering from a paddle-boarding session on Monday and the cheese-induced malaise I put myself in on Wednesday. First world health problems … Continue reading Manifestation Nation
Learning to Have Fun and Quantum Entanglement Theory
Well steam my rice and call me a side dish, we’re living life out here! I celebrated my 28th birthday over the weekend, so I’ve been trying to allow myself to have fun. Believe it or not, that can be a tough one for me. I have a tendency to always feel like I need … Continue reading Learning to Have Fun and Quantum Entanglement Theory
Writing and Comedy
Well slam me into a can of jam and call me spread, because I am open for business baby! Snap a cracker off and dip into my hummus. I don’t know what I’m saying. This is how I write. I think it would be fun to make everyone in the world do a stream-of-consciousness writing … Continue reading Writing and Comedy
A Short Story That Will Probably Get Me Cancelled in Ten Years
Once upon a time there was a beautiful butterfly named Benghazi. Benghazi was black. Benghazi was a black butterfly. Benghazi was so black that it could camouflage itself against the night sky and showed up late everywhere. But Benghazi was so beautiful. Oh, the most beautiful. A man named Steve Stonk once said Benghazi was … Continue reading A Short Story That Will Probably Get Me Cancelled in Ten Years
Super Deep Lunar Eclipse Post
I stand here in nothing but my boxers, typing away on a laptop that nears the end of its life. It sits upon an old box. Something I bought used to be inside it; an air fryer. I use it often, but I prefer the barbecue my father bought me. One of the simple things … Continue reading Super Deep Lunar Eclipse Post